Too blind to see

I was too blind to see that you were too deaf to hear me.

A few weeks ago I had a long weekend with my son in Denver. It was an overdue visit, and I treasured the time to connect in person. Although we keep a steady stream of texts and calls going, nothing takes the place of face to face.

I read a quote a few weeks back…a self-professed quote-a-holic, these things catch my eye and lodge in my mind….

“If you had an essentially happy childhood, that tends to dwell with you.”     Tracy Kidder

Motherhood was a joy to me, and I’ve written about that. I took pride in that role; not that I thought I was perfect, but I thought I was good. I was passionate about it. I loved my kids. And I was good at mothering, in many ways. I did so much for them and with them. But with this quote newly echoing in my thoughts, I asked Alex, sitting across from him in the midst of a light hearted conversation if he felt his childhood had been happy. I knew how I would characterize it.

Imagine my surprise, my dismay, when he answered no. When he said he had been bullied through much of his elementary school years, and often felt lonely. He never told me that before, and I never saw, never guessed. It never came out in parent/teacher conferences or any time through the years he was a kid at home. When I asked him why he never came to me with this, he just said he didn’t think I could help. Didn’t think his teachers could help. My instinctive response was of course I could have helped, could have changed that. But maybe with the vision of childhood, he had believed that if he made a fuss, called attention to the bullying, it would only get worse when adult eyes weren’t looking. And of course that’s when bullying happens.

Imagine the shift in my perception. Imagine my heart breaking listening to his words, telling me very calmly, and just because I asked if he had been happy as a kid.

In many ways he was a highly verbal child; as I used to say, he could talk to a post. We often had long conversations, and he never seemed withdrawn. Yet he was also a self-entertainer, spending a lot of time playing video games and building with his Lego sets. He had a few friends, kids that seemed, like he often did, a little different from the crowd.

By the time he was in 7th grade, he was coming home from school angry, and I did see that. We pulled him out of public school at the semester break, and after briefly trying a private school or two, we opted for home schooling. I cut my hours at work to spend time with him and the curriculum we chose. For the next couple of years the circle was Alex, family, youth group, soccer, and a few friends he kept from elementary school.

By the time he entered high school, in a new public school setting, he seemed to have outgrown the anger, in large part, and I put it down to the difficult transition that a lot of middle-school kids face…that most awkward time of life when you’re neither child nor adult, big or little. I thought the issues he had with school stemmed from the fact that he wasn’t really a student at heart, even though he was smart.

I noticed that he often gravitated to kids that were on the fringe, that seemed left out. And I worried a little about that. Was he not fitting in? But he also seemed popular enough, seemed well liked. I thought it was just Alex.

During our heart-to-heart a few weeks ago, he told me he had chosen to befriend the kids who were left out because he had felt that way too. He decided he could be a victim or a hero, and he chose to be a hero. I know he doesn’t trumpet his own acts of kindness because the ones I know of are the ones I discover in a round-about way. He loans money he can scarcely do without; he reaches out to people who need a friend. He’s a gentleman with an old-fashioned sense of courtesy that I love to see. He helps the lost and the old.

He’s dating again, a girl that he first met in church youth group. He first connected with her in high school because she was new to the group, and he thought she could use a friend. Now he’s the one who’s new in town, returning after six years away. And she reached out to him.

I think about things I hear…kids who take their lives because of bullying. Kids who get into substance abuse or join gangs to fit in. Kids from homes without love, without supervision. And kids from homes like ours, where the parents thought they were watching for danger, doing a good job, listening, seeing. Sometimes when you read about these kids, these children of other people, you wonder…how did this happen? Where were the parents? And without meaning to, without intentionally assigning blame, I’ve done exactly that. Even knowing that parenting is perilous and not for the faint of heart, I’ve wondered. Well, now I know, at least in part. I know bullying can happen without visible signs. Or maybe I was just blind because I thought it wouldn’t happen to my child, in our little neighborhood school, in an upscale suburb. And maybe that was the biggest miss of all…I didn’t think it could happen. I never even thought to ask if Alex’s school issues could be related to bullying. I thought it was all academic.

Thank God, we didn’t have to learn about this through tragedy. I feel sadness enough about the impact of this issue on Alex’s life. I can’t sort out what those impacts have been. But the mom in me wants to go back and relive those years…dig deeper, question the teachers…what were they seeing? why weren’t they seeing it? be more aggressive. Maybe if I had been more aware, a lot of things would be different.

When I voiced that…my gut reaction that I had failed at the most basic role of parenting, to protect the child, Alex disagreed. He’s not holding a grudge, not bemoaning his childhood. He says we taught him how to be an adult, and that was the important job we had to do. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to see it that way. That’s a part of it, but to my mom’s heart, the role of protector is still the first priority, especially in light of what I know now.

Bullying can take many forms, and obviously some kids are more affected by it than others. I know awareness has grown, and maybe there’s more help available for kids today than even a few years ago. If this post can help even one parent think about what they may be missing, ask questions, dig deeper, then some good will have come from Alex’s experience. And knowing him, he would probably think helping someone else is reward enough.

Everyone is a product of the mix of life…the good, bad, the intentional and the accidents. I know that, and I know that even if I could have protected Alex’s childhood from any scars, adulthood would bring experiences I couldn’t shield him from. But that doesn’t stop me from wishing I could have a redo. I am thankful that Alex is who he is. And I am humble. I know, all over again, that I can’t understand someone else’s situation without knowing their story. Reminds me that I need to give grace when I don’t understand. Maybe there’s a lot more going on than meets the eye. And I need to receive grace when I make mistakes. Maybe, in spite of my best efforts, I’m missing something important. In spite of my good intentions, I’m falling short.

Thank God for grace. Thank God for Alex, teaching me, forgiving my failures as a mom, and finding the good.

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16 thoughts on “Too blind to see

  1. What a brave mom you are… What a difficult topic.
    My daughter was also bullied, some things she shared with me in the moment, but others not until much later. There were signs I missed, too. We’re all learning -our kids will probably be much more aware than we were, and for that I’m grateful.
    The fact that you opened the dialogue is very powerful and probably healing, too. He seems to know/reflect good parenting in so many other areas.
    Thank you for this heartfelt post.

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    • Thank you Denise! I don’t know if I’m brave…in fact, I mostly feel that I was blind, and in hindsight, regretful. Without seeing myself as someone to lead this conversation, I hope that sharing this experience may help someone else. If reading this even raises the question in a parent’s mind, if it can lead any parent to discuss bullying with their child, then it was useful to write. One thing I realize at this stage of my life, like you say, we are all learning, all the time. At the time I wrote about, I was in on-the-job-training (is there any other kind, really?) to parent my young son.
      Love your WordPress title..inspired! I’ll check it out! ~ Sheila

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  2. Clearly you were–and are–a good mother. All children have secrets and only very bad parents–those who read their children’s diaries, force information out of their friends, and spy on them–find out some of them. This does far more harm then good. You paid attention and you cared. Those are the best tools we have.

    Bullying is very damaging, not only to the child being bullied, but to the child doing the bullying, and those who witness it or participate in it. It is now becoming a public discussion due to cyber-bullying issues and gay-bullying issues, both of which have resulted in the suicides of children. We adults need to make it clear that it will not be tolerated. No more, “Boys will be boys.”

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    • I agree, bullying is so damaging…and so tragic when the results are life ending. I can’t imagine dealing with that type of loss, grief, and guilt. Thank you for your encouraging words…I don’t know that any mother ever thinks she is good enough. But as with other relationships, you do the best you can at the time…or the best you can see to do at the time. ~ Sheila

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  3. This subject is dear to my heart. It sounds a lot like the growng up years my son had. It’s heartbreaking and I’m sure you used your voice for a lot of moms who couldn’t do it.
    I sincerely hope you let your son read this over before you posted it. I hope he is okay with it because I know my son would not be.

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    • Thank you, I appreciate your perspective! I don’t know that I am able to speak for others who have experienced this, but at least I can add my voice to the conversation. The more everyone is aware of bullying, the more effectively it can be stopped.

      As far as my son, he did not read this prior to posting. He doesn’t read my blog, to my knowledge, but knowing him, I think he would be comfortable with what I said. I do give thought to family and friends I reference, realizing that this is a public format. Good reminder of that reality! ~ Sheila

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  4. It is always interesting how our perspective can be shifted just by asking a simple question. I suspect you did the best you could and recall the happy highlights, as most of us do. And, like the rest of us, you could possibly look back and see things you’d missed at the time — but what’s the point? Hindsight is always 20:20 isn’t it.

    Parenting is hard and very few get it 100% right; the fact that you have a son who chooses to reach out and lift others up speaks both to his character and to yours.

    Hugs to you both!
    MJ

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    • Yes, hindsight is clearer. But even that can’t capture the past perfectly, as you say. There were a lot of happy times, at home for sure. And the only point in writing about this is to prompt someone else to think about what they’re missing in their moments…and to remind me to do the same in the here and now. ~ Sheila

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  5. We can’t protect our children from every possible hurt, in spite of how much we want to do just that. I’m sure you were (and are) a terrific mom as that is the only kid who wishes she had done more even when she has done all that she could.

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    • Thanks for the vote of confidence! I know I tried. The thing that bothers me is that I just didn’t have a clue. You know when you think you’re so tuned in…unsettling to think I could have missed something like this. And it just makes me angry, even all these years later. Too late to address, and nothing to do about it now. But it makes me think, and rethink. ~ Sheila

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  6. what an awesome story…not that it entertains…but, tells us a part of life that seems to be dominating our everyday lives more and more…I too, would love to go back and relive some instances in my own son’s life after hearing and reviewing what he has shared later in life… Life is so full of surprises!…I know you are grateful for the way your son handled this situation…He sounds so grounded now…and moving on…but, as a Mother I can feel your pain…thinking “I could have done more!”…

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    • Thank you Marilyn. Yes, life has surprises. This was a hard one to hear…hard to feel I let him down when he needed defending and support. Breaks my heart that I didn’t see. But he’s a good man, in spite of my mistakes as a parent! ~ Sheila

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  7. This post really struck a chord with me; on the one hand, as a mother, knowing that we always, always want our children to be free from ANY kind of hurt. On the other hand, I was bullied as a child; looking back I think Alex and I may have similar feelings: my homelife as a child was happy. My school life as a child was horrible. But I like to think I had enough love at home to see me through the terrible times I experienced at school.
    Well written and poignant post, Sheila.

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    • Oh Dianna, I’m sorry you had a similar experience! I’m so glad you were well loved at home. Maybe that is the thing that sees kids through in situations like this, the thing that can make the difference. Just breaks my heart, makes me sad, makes me angry to think that children suffer in an environment where we expect them to learn! Thank you for sharing your heart! ~ Sheila

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