Life skills

Margins

/ Sheila / 1 Comment

Been on a blogging break…busy at work, busy at home, no time to sit down. I saw this recently:

“Writing is easy: All you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.” ~Gene Fowler

I’ll admit, I’m not producing the next award winning novel here, just jotting down a few personal thoughts, so I can’t claim that the process requires blood. But it does require time and some effort. And I’ve learned that I would prefer posting nothing to posting quickly.

I’ve been reading about margins in life…hardly a new buzz word, I know. But I’m attempting to bring the concept into my routines. That means leaving more time around the edges of my day, around each segment. I’m a list-maker, and I’ve always put more on my daily list than I could comfortably finish. My strategy is to transfer the unfinished items to the next day so eventually, the tasks are done. But the negative part of that plan is that I always feel something is incomplete. I need to be better at setting my day aside, sitting down to a personal pleasure, like blogging or reading. My margin for myself is valuable. Why do I put myself in last place? It isn’t a matter of being selfish: it is a matter of restoring, of replenishing self. Hardly a new concept either, but difficult to transfer from concept to practice.

There are challenges from WordPress to bloggers: blog every day, or blog every week. Without formally committing to either goal, I’ve intended to blog on a daily basis when possible. Now I remind myself, there is time in my day for the things I choose. There is margin. I have to control the process, to make the choice. I choose margin. I choose calm. I choose to create room, space, and time to enjoy.

How about you? Are you leaving margin in your life?

Facing the tasks

/ Sheila / 5 Comments

As I said in yesterday’s post, the house is on the market. Most of the things on my to-do list have been completed. The interior has been painted, the walls are fresh and clean. That was the spring/summer project last year. Some minor repairs have been made. But I have a few things left to do, and I’m struggling to finish the last tasks. I need to freshen the paint on the sun room window sills where the dogs put their paws when they are looking out the windows at people on the sidewalk below. They’ve left evidence of their habit of looking out and alerting me to passers-by. And the window sill in the kitchen above the sink needs a little attention as well.

Then there is my never-ending process of sorting the boxed items in the basement. I had a burst of energy last fall and got through a hefty amount of stuff. Some I gave away, some I threw away, and some I kept. But there are more boxes to be sorted out. My incentive, aside from wanting to know that the stuff I haul out of Ketchikan is what I really want to keep, is that it is expensive to move off an island. Everything has to be barged out, so I want to be sure I’m not paying to ship out and store items that I could eliminate here.

So I have another ambitious list for the weekend. Touch up the windowsills. Sort a few boxes. Challenge myself to eliminate things that I no longer use, need, love, value. I always say that “things” have two best days: the day you buy something, and the day you find a new home for it! Of course, some possessions never leave. But there are an astonishing number of things that outlive their usefulness. The challenge is to determine which is which, and to remove the things that are cluttering my space and my life. After all, if I end up spending some extensive time in the RV, I won’t need a lot of stuff. I only need my partner, and he travels pretty light.

Why do I find it hard to deal with these tasks? I don’t have ambivalence about selling the house or moving to the “next” in life. Maybe it’s that the remaining tasks are not the major ones. Painting a room is a big project, but it also has a big impact. You can get a lot of satisfaction from walking into a room that has been transformed by new paint. The small tasks just don’t deliver the same bang for the buck.

When I reach this stage, I usually resort to bribing: I think of some reward for myself if I tick off the items on my Saturday list. Frequently my rewards have to do with some decadent chocolate goody and a chick flick. I learned a long time ago that I am not above a reasonable bribe. It works well with children too, and as long as everyone understands the deal up front, I don’t have any problem with a fair exchange of goods or privilege for behaviour.

So here’s hoping that I am energized and motivated this Saturday. It feels good to mark chores off my list, and if I get through my list, I’ve got a new chocolate bundt cake to try (but that’s a couple of postings back!) And the best reward of all: I’m getting ready to launch, ready to reorder my priorities, ready to renew my life.

Start the year right

/ Sheila / 2 Comments

Our year has started with a jolt. Rob’s dad was admitted to the hospital on New Year’s Eve with double pneumonia, and is now going through additional testing. There may be a more serious underlying condition.

Our lives are in flux. We are in the process of initiating another round of change, upheaval, adventure…call it what you will. STRESS! I feel a permanent knot in my stomach. Rob is spending a lot of time on the phone with his sister, who is with his mom and dad. There are a lot of questions, and so far few answers.

I’m reminded that life is frequently inconvenient, unexpected, impossible to plan for in advance; that we are all vulnerable: to accidents, illness, to events that are unforeseen. And how do we navigate?

I don’t have the answers. Does anyone? We look for hope and comfort in a variety of ways. Through faith, through others, through routine and ritual that keep us going on automatic pilot even when our minds are consumed with the struggle of the day.

Oswald Chambers said, “The strain is the strength. If there is no strain, there is no strength.” A good thing to remember at the beginning of the year, especially one that is starting this way.

The power of “no”

/ Sheila / 2 Comments

I have a “yes” policy. That is, I say “yes” most of the time. My husband says that’s not true. But I say that’s not true…I really do have a “yes” policy, and I like to remind him of that when I’ve just said “yes” to a request from him.

I am a person who enjoys pleasing others. It makes me feel good, and although I think I have plenty of self-confidence, there’s probably some need deep inside to encourage others to like me by saying “yes” as often as possible.

But I’ve begun to give myself permission to say “no.” It is very empowering. I don’t even say “no” so much to other people. But I am learning to turn down commitments that steal my time away from my real priorities or from commitments I’ve already made. Saying “no” can be as simple as not taking on a new chore or project when my to do list is already longer than time will allow me to complete. It is recognizing that saying “yes” to some things is in reality saying “no” to others. And usually when that happens, I find that I have sacrificed some personal plan or desire for something that was not as important to me…but it was a request from someone else. That doesn’t mean that I want to be self-centered or to always put my wishes first. But I am learning (better late than never!) that a “yes” policy can be detrimental to me, to relationships, to my sense of what is important. I’m learning that saying “yes” is not always the right thing, just because I am making someone else happy with that answer. I am learning to have a “no” policy too. And that’s a good thing. Better late than never!

The Grocery

/ Sheila / 4 Comments

I’m planning my food shopping list for Christmas. It’s very exciting to me. I’m one of those rare people who actually likes going to the grocery store. The only time I dread it is when I have to go alone. For so many years I could always count on having a kid or two with me, and when Stephanie and Alex were no longer available to go, Rob became my shopping partner.

I really love going at this time of year. The local Safeway is brimming with treats and seasonal offerings that make the whole place seem festive. I like to explore the imported cheese display, check out the specialty foods and consider what candies and tidbits to put in the stockings. I am the resident stocking filler, assisted by Stephanie when we spend Christmas together. There are a lot of choices. Since I rarely buy candy except at Christmas and Halloween, I’m surprised by new products that I haven’t seen or tried before. But I usually pick something tried and true: a Toblerone bar or truffles or one of the particular favorites of our kids. Rob doesn’t really eat candy, so I look at fruit for him. The red grapefruit, Clementines and pomegranates are the best. And they fill a stocking nicely.

When Rob and I go to the grocery I am always in a good mood. I think the connection between the intimacy of meal planning and eating together is what does it for me. (Of course he sometimes finds romantic things to say in the produce department, but that’s another post.) It may seem like an odd choice of words to describe something so seemingly mundane. Intimacy and Safeway?! But there’s something touching to me about planning our meals, what we want to share, who will cook what, and it inspires me to look forward to each dinner, each breakfast. We are not simply eating: we are being together. And I’m happy to say that we are both at our low weight goals for ourselves. So even though I consider myself something of a foodie, and we both enjoy eating, we are NOT out of control. Yay! 

My daughter and I had this conversation a couple of days ago…you are either into food, or you’re not. If you’re not, cooking is a chore and not fulfilling. And while there are times when I am not interested in being in the kitchen either, in general I find a lot of pleasure in the process from start to finish. Now, thinking about what dishes to make when Alex visits for Christmas, I remember the things he liked to eat when he was still living at home: shepherd’s pie, thick potato soup with cheese and bacon; homemade rolls; shrimp; cookies right out of the oven are a few of his favorites. I’m excited to cook for him again and to show him that although he’s been out of the nest for a while now, these foods are still part of coming home and being pampered a bit during his stay.

Food taken to an unhealthy extreme is not good. But like the story of Goldilocks and the three bears, there is a level that is just right: food fills, cherishes, warms the heart. It’s one of the biggest elements families share together. If you’ve been shorting your dinner time, don’t miss the chance to sit at the same table with the people who are important in your life. And at the risk of sounding like a mom, if you are the chief cook and bottle washer in your home, put some thought into the experience. Knowing the food likes and dislikes of your family shows that you are tuned in, that you are paying attention, that you care. I don’t mean food or the table setting has to be fancy to be nourishing; of course not. But as long as you have to eat anyway, wouldn’t it be more fun if the food is good? And the place to start is at the grocery. My advice: make menus and a shopping list, be adventurous with recipes…it is much easier to have great meals  if you are prepared. And then do it from the heart. Look for the intimacy. It’s there between each aisle.

New skills; or, 50 and fearless!

/ Sheila / 2 Comments

So, after a bit of agonizing over my inevitable 50th birthday… inevitable since I’ve continued to live…I have come to terms with my new decade. I turned 50 in September, and although I don’t want to seem totally self-absorbed, it gave me a little heartburn to realize that I’m now officially old enough for an AARP membership.

I’ve heard some women speak of being “50 and fabulous,” and while that’s a line I’d love to claim for myself, I can’t honestly say that I’m fabulous on a daily basis. My fabulous moments are somewhat hit and miss. Most of the time I have to categorize myself more in the “doing the best I can” mode.

My new phrase that celebrates turning 50 and showcases the spirit I’m striving for is “50 and fearless.” This is not to say that there are not plenty of things in life worthy of fear. Serious illness, loss, concerns about family, relationship issues, money troubles, the leak in my bathroom…all bring some level of fear to my mind. Some fears are easily calmed, and anything that can be resolved with money, in my opinion, is not too big a problem in the first place. It’s only money, right? But some fears are too real, too big, to gloss over with a pep talk. Some things can’t be bought with money. Some things have to be accepted, acknowledged, lived with.

But the attitude…that’s what I want. The spirit of fearlessness is my goal. The spirit that says “bring it on, I’ll find a way to meet this challenge with grace and dignity.” And if I can nurture that attitude in myself, if I can face life with boldness, then maybe turning 50 will be ok after all. It feels a bit like arriving, although I don’t claim to have everything figured out. But by this point in my life, I’ve lived long enough to know that whatever comes, most likely the process of finding a solution to a problem, or finding the grace to accept, will stretch me in new ways, will broaden my horizons, will bring new insight. And after all, isn’t that valuable in itself? I know more, and less, now than I did at 20. I am more confident and more tolerant, less sure that I have the answers to everything. But I believe I am kinder, gentler, softer, and yet have more ability to endure. And as I take stock of myself at the beginning of this new decade, I’d like to believe I’m progressing, not just aging.

So that’s my goal and challenge to myself: to be 50 and fearless. To be courageous and to embrace whatever comes; to seek the opportunity to grow, to stretch, to find new strengths, new skills, new horizons. And who knows? Maybe one day I will be fabulous as well as fearless…with a lot of effort, and a generous supply of grace.

How does this help?

/ Sheila / 2 Comments

Several years ago I had a moment of ephipany. I was having a difference of opinion with someone and suddenly realized that what I was saying wasn’t helping us come to clarity or resolve the disagreement. I realized that my approach was not helping my cause. And suddenly the thought came to my mind, “How does this help?” If I had a goal, an outcome in mind that I wanted to reach, and my approach wasn’t bringing me to that outcome, how was it helping? It wasn’t.

That began a practice for me to filter my words and actions through that question. When I find myself in conflict with anyone and we don’t seem to be progressing toward resolution, I silently frame that question to myself. It helps me to step back, hear my words or see my actions through the other person’s ears and eyes. Obviously, if my persuavie argument isn’t working, it must not be so persuasive. How does that help?

I don’t mean that this approach should be from a manipulative perspective. If manipulation is the motivation, you may get what you want, but manipulation is always ultimately destructive and self-serving. No, this question should be framed from an unselfish and honest desire to seek the best resolution to conflict or difference of opinion. Only in that context can you truly seek the best for both sides.

Asking the question, “How does this help?” doesn’t guarantee that the problem will be resolved. Some conflicts don’t have resolutions that are positive for both sides. And no matter your approach, the other person may not be willing to put aside the conflict. But asking the question will help you honestly evaluate your words, your methods, your motivation. Asking the question is a filter that will help you seek other solutions, other persuasions, or perhaps, ultimately, change your own mind, see the other person’s point of view. And that can be an invaluable gift to both people.

It can be difficult to be honest about this, especially when your point of view seems like the only point of view possible. How can you step back, re-frame, look at a question from another perspective when you know you’re right? But that’s the point…the issue is not about being right or being more persuasive. When you’re trying to find resolution to differences, sometimes the solution is more about approach, method, and understanding. Sometimes it is about compassion, about empathy, rather than staking a claim to being right.

Sometimes I even come around to an opposite opinion from where I began if I have long enough to think before I rush to judgment. There are right and wrong absolutes in life. I believe that. There are some things that are never right, always wrong. But woven among the absolutes of life are many gray areas, and I recognize that more as I get older. When I was young, life was easy to define in absolute terms. But age, some wisdom, my own mistakes and missteps, and a lot of grace has taught me that things are not always what they seem at first glance. It was a long lesson to learn, but now it is ingrained in my thinking. It has become more natural to me to ask the question, and I am open to hearing the answer that comes from that honesty.

Try asking yourself, “how does this help?” The answer may surprise you.

Learning to trade

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I’m learning a new life skill: My husband has introduced me to the world of the stock market and trading. Although not a broker or trader by profession, he has had an interest in that world for many years, and over time has honed his skills. He is now attempting to use trading as a serious cash flow engine, and to further that goal, recently enrolled in a formal training course.

The add-on for me is that he is able to have a guest audit the training, so I‘ve been able to access and complete the modules for free. Let me tell you, to a novice who has barely followed the markets, this is a whole new world! It has its own language and complexities, far beyond the simplistic ups and downs of the stock market numbers that are so frequently quoted in news headlines. Puts, calls, straddles, vertical spreads, Greeks…the terms are strange and sometimes funny. Who knew Wall Street vocabulary could be humorous?

We went to a trading seminar in August that was a revelation to me…there are actually all sorts of diagnostic tools, charts, graphics, complicated software, etc., etc., that help people make sense of this world. And books…you can spend a fortune on books! You can trade stocks, options, bonds, futures, commodities, foreign exchange funds… the variety of ways you can make a living in the financial markets is staggering.

So what is the point of all of this? To make money, of course, and to learn a bit more about the way the world works! Anything can impact the markets, from tech news to current events to currency values…you never know how the market will interpret information.

I have made a little money in my IRA account so far, doing my very own trading, thank you! I’ve had some coaching from my husband, but I’ve made a couple of decisions on my own too. I’m finding that I prefer to buy stock in companies I like, whose products I buy, whose quality I value. I make it a bit personal. To date, I haven’t lost money yet; I’ve made something on every order. I’ve also not made the maximum I could have made, but that’s part of the game too…be happy to walk away with a gain, rather than bemoan the fact that you missed out on part of a run up. (By the way, that’s easier to say than to do; but good advice, none the less.)

My new phrase is “I like to buy money.” That’s what you’re doing if you’re lucky…spending money to make money, and bottom line, that translates to buying money. Will I get rich doing this? Unlikely, and I’ll be fortunate to pad my IRA account a little here and there without doing serious damage. But it’s fun, it’s stretching me, and I’m learning a new language.

FYI…we used Investools, from TD Ameritrade, for our education/training. Check it out; it’s expensive, but hopefully worth it in the end. And no, I’m not receiving any reimbursement for the mention…and in the best tradition of financial services firms, let me hasten to say that I am not recommending this program, just sharing information that this is the company we used for our training.

Good luck if you decide to dive in!