Writing

Why I blog

/ Sheila / 20 Comments

“Writing is easy: All you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.” ~Gene Fowler

It’s been a quiet Saturday in Metlakatla. That is to say, Rob is on call, and I’m online. I’m contemplating creating another site for business use, and I’m feeling drawn to the WordPress.org side of the universe for the new venture. As much as I love the ease of WordPress.com, (this blog will stay on the .com side) there’s no doubt that the .org option provides more flexibility. You can use plugins that aren’t available for the .com. I’m learning about a whole new world that exists, if I’m willing to do a little more of the set up myself.

Sometimes when I find I’ve spent pretty much my whole Saturday poking around online, following this link and that link, I begin to wonder…is it worth it? Am I neglecting real life for a fake digital version? The answer could be yes, if you look at a specific day or period of time. I tend to dive in and stay in the depths for long stretches, until I have to come up for air, food, bathroom or bed. Other days I don’t live there at all…my digital forays are confined to sites I’m viewing for work, or for life needs…travel or orders or the like.

The reality is that blogging started as a distraction for me. It was a good way for me to learn some new skills and take my mind off things that I couldn’t face at the moment. Some of that has changed in the past couple of years. It’s no longer an escape. It has become a joy, and a pleasure, and it keeps me on a learning curve with no end in sight. I didn’t foresee the connections I would find, or the sense of kindred spirit that I feel when I read someone else’s blog and feel an instant bond. Because I’m out there too, in the digital world, sharing my voice, my thoughts, my days. Not life-changing, not prize-winning…but connected, in the fragile way that on-line connections are formed.

Sometimes I’m intimidated. There are a lot of smart people out there with amazing sites; blogs with humor that seems to pour out of every syllable; writers with insight, calling, passion…you name it. I recognize, with honesty, humility, and just a touch of envy, I’ll never measure up to a lot of what I see. And yet, part of the fun is in the variety, the challenge to improve, learn, grow. Sometimes I feel like I have a tiger by the tail. Keeping up with technology…no, I’m not keeping up, I’m just barely on the cusp of using what’s available…sometimes I think the biggest hurdle is I don’t even know what I don’t know. Sometimes the challenge is making time for a self-imposed chore that isn’t even generating income. But I don’t really see blogging like that. It isn’t a chore…more like my own little baby that is nurtured with my time and attention. As to income…well, not all payments are in the form of money. Maybe I have three tigers in hand. Or maybe it’s just one tiger with three tails…I don’t know. But I do know that though there’s nothing demanding that I blog, I’ll keep doing it. It stretches me…lures me into technology I would never learn about without this impetus; makes me think about new possibilities…surely not a bad thing for my early 50s?

Sometimes I think all this is leading me somewhere. Some day I’ll look back and connect the dots. Or not. Maybe this is nothing more than self-expression, and a little engine for vanity and fulfillment. Except that doesn’t feel quite right either. While I don’t kid myself that I’m speaking to anyone else in particular, I don’t think I’m just writing to see my own words. Well, at least I have the angst that goes with writing…and the questions. Is anybody out there? And if so, is my writing worth reading? Or just empty words?

One thing I’ve learned from reading other blogs…a lot of the things that I wonder, others wonder. My questions and feelings are rarely unique. I suppose there’s value in recognizing that a) I’m not alone and b) I’m not often original and c) there’s a wonderful feeling of camaraderie that comes over me when I read something that I could have written. Or maybe just wrote…the funny thing is, sometimes that happens, no plagiarism involved or intended. I think there are so many writers putting out content online…it seems inevitable that some of us are  thinking and writing similar things.

There’s a quote  (of course, a quote!) I like that resonates with me. From the movie, You’ve Got Mail, the character, Kathleen Kelly says:

 Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life – well, valuable, but small – and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven’t been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn’t it be the other way around? I don’t really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void.

See you out there!

My One Word

/ Sheila / 8 Comments

I’m trying a new approach to resolutions this year. Following the ideas outlined at MyOneWord.org I’m choosing a word to focus my energies and goals for the year.

My one word for 2013 is “momentum.” Last year, I used the term “re-vision.” My intent was to revise myself…to embrace change in how I work, and the rhythm of life, and I believe I’ve been successful in doing that…I’ve created a beginning, and now I need to fuel it. I’ve done a mini-launch…now I need to find my power and really get going.

In 2012, I worked just like my husband does…full-time in blocks of two-to-three month increments, then I take block time off. I didn’t gain ground financially, but I didn’t lose either. I proved to myself, for the first time ever, that I can generate work that works for me…at least in terms of pace and timing. I’m still working on generating work that is creative and self-directed. But that’s a longer process, and a larger goal, so I’m content to take my time to get it right.

That’s what this year will be about. I’ve demonstrated to myself that I can survive in a non-traditional work life. Now I need to take the things I’ve learned…am still learning…and find a way to translate a non-traditional work life to a more entrepreneurial role. That’s the next level for me. I want to create my own work, to be my own employer.

I’ve got lots of ideas, but so far most of them would require a physical presence. I’ve thought of everything from a bakery to a personalized “to-do” service to digital editing, writing and project management. But the reality is that I need to create a flexible and portable vehicle…not something that will tie me to a brick-and-mortar business, or a clientele that is specific geography-based.

I’ve explored writing and digital publishing, and while that continues to hold the most interest for me, it is also intimidating. I need reliable income. I don’t mind it being a little erratic. But the writing business can be very slow indeed if you don’t measure up…and you can invest a lot of time and energy before you have that reality check. So while I’m not losing sight of this one, I’m not putting all my eggs in this basket.

Regardless of direction, the important thing is movement. That sounds counter-productive. Don’t I need to know the exact goal I’m working toward rather than seeing movement itself as a marker of success? But I believe I’ll define my direction as I progress. I don’t know if I can explain it clearly in words. But in my head, it makes perfect sense.

Opportunity dances with those who are already on the dance floor.  ~ H. Jackson Brown Jr.

So…a year of momentum. Got my dancing shoes on!

Service

/ Sheila / 11 Comments

You want happiness, we all do. And there’s only one rule for happiness in this world, Sue, and that’s service. Just to the degree that they serve, people are happy, and no more. It’s an infallible test. You can try nations by it, you can try kings and beggars. Poor people are just as unhappy as rich people, when they’re idle; and rich people are really happy only when they’re serving somebody or something.

Norris, Kathleen. Saturday’s Child Artemis Publishing. Kindle Edition.

I found this little quote in a quaint old book…a lot of things contribute to my happiness, and I would put faith and family at the top of my list. I separate those two from the concept of service. But maybe that’s not accurate either, for what does faith and family call us to, if not service? Maybe the best things in life are simply disguises for opportunities that allow us to serve. We serve from various motives…family love, or faith that moves mountains, or belief in a cause, or ambition to achieve. But doesn’t the work we do distill to service?

I’ve equated the terms service and work. But they’re not really equivalent. I suppose you could serve without working, and work without truly serving. Maybe the difference in the two is the sense of purpose that lies behind service. Work is just work. But service is work defined by deliberate intention.

I think I’ve worked enough in my life. I’m going to look through a different lens, think about how I’m able to serve as I move through my days. That’s not intended to make me sound saintly, just purposeful. Maybe what I adjust is not specific action or work. Maybe I adjust my vision to see what I can contribute, and what I am contributing. Maybe I just need to reframe to see clearly.

Strategy

/ Sheila / 10 Comments

I’ve written a strategic plan for a local clinic. I never did that before. I’ve written a lot of things, but this was a first.

Well, Alaska gives you opportunity. A lot of it comes from showing up. You know, being available and actually in the state. Some jobs you can get because you’re here. That’s how I fell into this one. Well, there was a little more to it than that, but being present definitely helped.

Anyway, the experience made me think about my own strategic plan. Or rather the lack of one. I’ve had goals, dreams, hopes. But I never created a strategic plan for myself. Maybe that’s why I find myself running in circles, consumed by commitments that aren’t really taking me anywhere…keeping me afloat financially, filling my time…but not going in a definite direction.

I weave in and out of this mindset, staying busy with life, needs, family, other. Often, for weeks at a time, I push introspection aside. I’m not one to drown in my own thoughts. And then, smack! There it is again…the “what am I doing?” conversation runs circles in my head. This is not about unhappiness. It is about uncertainty. I’m uncertain, and have been for a long time, about the path we’re on. I’ve spent a lot of time, the past couple of years, thinking about the “next.” But I still haven’t found the answer. I struggle with that. Shouldn’t I just know what’s right, what’s best? I’m waiting for some instinct to kick in, but it hasn’t yet. I don’t think it’s going to, and maybe I’ve waited long enough for inspiration to hit. I’m not inspired. But I am a writer. It feels good to claim that for myself. To add that to the list of who I am. It comes a bit more naturally, these days, when my income is largely tied to that effort.

Strategy is important for an organization. And people too.

Well, well. I’ll have to think about that one. And maybe write a plan for myself.

“Life has no remote…get up and change it yourself.”

Summer day, summer planning

/ Sheila / 9 Comments

It’s almost 8:00 pm, but the sun is still bright. Here in Alaska, the summer sky stays light later and later, until you only have a brief time of true darkness. The summer evenings are long…really the afternoon is just elongated until 9:00, 10:00 at night, when twilight falls. Mornings begin about 4:00, with the light peaking in the bedroom windows, waking us up, causing us to turn into the pillows, burrow under the cover, block out the too-early dawn.

This is the season of activity, or increased activity, here in Ketchikan. The big cruise ships are once again in town on a daily basis, the seasonal businesses are open, and the fishing tourists are here in force. Not for nothing is Ketchikan the salmon capital of the world. And the fish know it. Soon I’ll be freezing salmon and halibut, vacuum sealing the fish I buy from local vendors, putting a little of this Alaska treasure away for coming months.

I look out and see the rain falling through the sun, a rainbow is on the distant horizon, and the sun and shadows fall mixed across my living room floor, even as I listen to the sound of the rain pouring out of the gutters. This is the season when the rain doesn’t feel too cold, and the showers are more gentle than the downpours we get in the fall.

My little front garden…my secret garden, I call it, because the small space in front of the house is enclosed with a shaped hedge…has blossomed with the warmer weather, and now looks a little overgrown and in need of a trimming. My rhubarb, tucked away in a corner of the little square, has flourished, and I’ve already cut it twice. There are small blue flowers growing, and the lilac has leafed out, getting so bushy it has hidden the street number mounted on the house. I’ll have to cut the lilac back if I want FedEx to find me with future deliveries. The clematis vines I planted (to replace the one that died from January’s week of single digit temperatures) are growing and already climbing the trellis.

I have painters coming this month to repaint the garage door, sand and paint the front step bannister, and touch up any exterior walls that are showing signs of wear. This is an old home, “historic,” built in 1920, and although it has been remodeled periodically, the exterior is still a wood siding. That translates to a lot of painting, over the years, and though we can get by this summer, maybe even another year, with touch ups, our turn is coming. Yes, we’ll get to paint, or pay to have someone paint, all three stories of this fine old place. Can’t wait for that one!

We now have two sump pumps and a dam in the back corner of the basement. I cautiously believe the episodic appearance of a lake down there has ended. We won’t know for sure until the fall rains, but we sustained some pretty wet weather this spring. The concrete dam joins the other great oddity of the basement, the huge granite boulder that the house sits on, jutting out into the unfinished portion of the bottom floor, reminding me that this island is indeed a rocky place, and some of the rock was too large for early builders to remove. So they built around it, and over it.

I make my list of chores to complete in the next few weeks. It’s June already, and summer is here. We leave to go “down” for a summer ramble (read rv road trip) July 14. We’ll be back mid-September. We’re hunting for “next,” doing some casual but focused exploring during the time we’re away. But first, my lists have to be made, checked off as I work through them. I’m working for income the next several weeks, storing up like a squirrel saving nuts for winter. But there’s more too. I have indoor and outdoor to-dos; weeding and writing; sorting, cleaning, thinning, organizing. I love this time of renewal, preparation, expectation. I’m not just cleaning out my fridge or trimming my hedge, or writing a blog post: I’m ordering myself, preparing for “next.” When I do the physical chores, or have a burst of creativity that allows me to write, I’m clearing my thoughts, centering myself. I’m rising, like the Alaska sun in the early morning, eager to begin my parade of adventures, wherever they take me.

Life Rules

/ Sheila / 18 Comments

We’re in that season…the season of graduation, beginnings, endings, ceremony, commencement speeches. This week we’re going to California to attend a niece’s high school graduation. I was not asked to give the speech. But this is what I would say, if I was standing before those kids. I can’t take personal credit for any of this…this is the wisdom of others I’ve distilled into my own words. And most of this is not particularly profound…just the things I’ve learned work for me.

  • First, be brave little Simba! I say this to my kids, to myself, to friends. We all need encouragement to be brave, to push, to try. We never stop needing to hear the words: you can do it!
  • Keep faith. Keep faith in God; keep faith in people. There are sorrows and disappointments throughout life. But miracles are everywhere. Albert Einstein famously said, “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” I choose to live with hope, and it is astonishing to me how often hope is rewarded. Not always as I expected; but rewarded none the less. Life will surprise you, if you’ll let it.
  • Be honest, first with yourself, then with those around you. But be kind with your honesty. Don’t use it as a tool to harm. Use it as sunlight to illuminate.
  • Be energetic! Get up early! Morning is my energetic time of day, and when I realized this, my whole world changed. Find your time of energy, and don’t sleep through it!
  • Don’t be seduced by busyness! Activity does not equal productivity, and it certainly does not feed creativity! Be thoughtful about how you spend your time. Learn to say no.
  • Present well. You are more attractive when you are pulled together, pressed, and feel confident in what you wear.
  • Maintain order. Order inspires calm and serenity. Excitement is for other areas of life, not for your physical space. Your physical space should be a place of refuge in sound, scent, lighting, texture, ambience.
  • Be organized. Organization is key to accomplishment. Write lists for everything. Have redundancy…spare keys, back ups for power cords, etc. Redundancy can save the day.
  • Go for the best, whatever that is, in your opinion. You really do get what you pay for.
  • Be kind, look for ways to be generous. Stretch yourself!
  • Be humble. Pass credit on to others, look for ways to share the wealth.
  • Step up! Unless the task is surgery or flying a space ship, I always say I’ll give it a try. Commit first, then find a way to accomplish the task. If you can’t do it, you can admit that you tried and failed, but you will have first tried.
  • Stay in touch. People won’t know you are thinking of them if you don’t share with them. No one reads minds.
  • Read! Expose your mind to new things to stay current and find inspiration. Challenge yourself to try new things, or try things you’ve always wanted to do but have put off.
  • Have a plan for your life, but don’t be afraid to wander off the track. I’m often impressed by the stories of people who have had amazing lives, and how frequently the amazing part came to them unexpectedly. Allow for the magic of serendipity.
  • Center, focus, gather, balance. Center yourself, focus yourself, gather yourself, balance yourself. Remember you are a human being, not a human doing. Every day should have time for reflection and meditation.
  • Live out of abundance: abundance of joy, energy, peace and acceptance. You can’t give what you don’t have, and you actually have to choose to have these qualities in your life. You must make conscious choices; being deliberate and intentional allows you to say no to things that steal these qualities away from you.
  • Practice forgiving. You will need to forgive yourself, and others, and you will need to receive that gift as well. Forgiving is a powerful act, whether you experience it by giving, or receiving.
  • Celebrate whatever comes. Be gracious to life, and it will be gracious to you. But this is tricky! Like most acts of reciprocity, you have to act for the right reasons. You don’t give, hoping to get. You just give. But you will also get. I don’t understand how, I just know it works.

Wisdom often comes just through the process of living, and while I learn, daily, that I’m not as wise as I’d like to be, I know I’ve advanced a bit since I was 18. I recognize now that a lot of what I’ve “learned” in my life was actually all around me, being lived out day by day. But I had to experience enough of life that I could begin to see and incorporate, in my own way, the wisdom of others. Will the high school and college graduates who sit through the ceremonies get it? Probably not. They’ll have to learn it on the job. They’ll have their own moments of “a-ha!” and their own insights when they’re sitting in the dark of the night, wondering, struggling, questioning. That’s the beauty, isn’t it? Everyone gets to work it out for themselves…to create their very own life rules, gleaned from faith, humanity, experience, and all those speeches along the way.

Congratulations to all the new contestants, now playing the game of life! May you be winners, all, and may you enjoy the game as much as the victories!

Creative spirit

/ Sheila / 4 Comments

“If we let ourselves, we shall always be waiting for some distraction or other to end before we can really get down to our work. The only people who achieve much are those who want knowledge so badly that they seek it while the conditions are still unfavorable. Favorable conditions never come.”
― C.S. Lewis

I’ve been thinking a lot about time, and the spending of it. I go through my days, spending my time, as if there were an infinite supply of the stuff. I have periods of great energy, great productivity, and then I slump. I hit the proverbial wall. I do the minimums. Get through my days, do my basic chores, exist. This is a frequent lament.

Why do I cycle? I can’t point to any outside influence. There are times of hurriedness, of pressure, and periods of casualness. This isn’t solely about having weekend time, or time carved out of a traditional work life. It is about a cycle of energy and creativity.

I’ve finally come to see this cycle as a break in my ability to create. And I’ve come to recognize that my creativity thrives when I am writing or engaged (whatever the activity) for the pure pleasure and desire to be creative. I am not writing or creating for other purposes. Something more may eventually come from my creativity. Let it! I would love to experience new opportunities because of work I’ve done. But for me, the work should be done for its own reward, and stand on its own merit, first. And here is where I also acknowledge: I am my own audience. This is not an exercise in self-absorption; it is an exercise in self-expression. I am writing, creating, to express myself. Period. If something I write or create touches someone else, I am humbled and happy. But that is not the focus. It can’t be the focus. Because I am not a wise woman, sharing knowledge with others. I don’t have profound thoughts. I have thoughts. I am a woman, sharing my experiences. Others can determine if there is wisdom, or joy, or humor, or anything else of value. I have come to see that creativity is its own reward.

I began this year thinking that I wanted to create a new way to work, and that I wanted to channel my work through writing, through online opportunities. I still want that end result. But I am coming around to the realization that, for me, this process has to begin with the desire to write, rather than the desire to create income. The two may be connected. Or not. I don’t have the answer to that yet. But I know that if I am writing from the heart, the practical details will sort themselves out in time. That’s the nature of life. Maybe some people can make it work from the other direction: set a goal and create to fulfill it. I can’t, and it’s time I acknowledge that.

Mystery of time

/ Sheila / 9 Comments


Gretchen Rubin

“The days are long, but the years are short.”
― Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project
I love this quote. It expresses my feelings exactly! My days, though not often stressful, still seem long. I’m tired at the end of them, and I frequently feel that I didn’t accomplish all I’d hoped. In particular, my personal projects lag behind my expectations.
And yet! The weeks, months, and years fly by. Everyone notices. “I can’t believe it’s already May,” I hear, as I walk about the hospital. The year is already scheduled out. I’m working on September’s call calendar for the primary care clinic. We already know dates for vacation through December. Soon Rob and I will be discussing our work availability for fall months. Where does it go? And how does it go so quickly?
I remember my dad saying to me that time seems to speed up as we get older. Well, he was right, and I suppose most people recognize that reality. There’s some magical element to time. For little ones, it does move slowly. Excruciatingly slowly. I’m long past that stage. The years are short.
Well, there’s no changing it. I suppose the only thing to do is accept, and be ever-more thoughtful about how I spend my long days, and my short years. This is one of those realities that everyone knows, even acknowledges, yet few address. I think most of us just move through life. I have moments of great clarity. And then I get lost again, caught up in the day-to-day.
Here’s to the long days. May they be productive for us all! And here’s to the short years, which we cannot lengthen. May they be memorable! And thank you, Gretchen, for stating so succinctly, so profoundly, what we all know at heart:
“The days are long, but the years are short.”