Choosing, not settling

/ Sheila / 4 Comments

Life is complicated. Few things, indeed, are perfect. Certainly no relationships meet that standard. So what does it mean to accept imperfections, or even differences, in another person? And does acceptance mean that you settle?

We’re initially drawn to others for the positives: the things we have in common, the personality traits or the physical characteristics that we admire in someone. Humor. Kindness. Creativity. Attractiveness. Love of adventure. Intelligence. Emotional maturity. Energy. Ambition. In the beginning, it’s all good. There is excitement in each connection, in every conversation. There’s so much to be explored, to be revealed.

In the beginning of a relationship, there’s big talk. Life, death, history. It seems like you could talk forever.

But eventually, the everyday crowds in, and the business of life takes over. After 29 years of marriage, we don’t tell each other our history. We don’t have to; we’ve lived it together. And we long ago shared our opinions and beliefs of many of the big life questions. We’ve had some evolution over time. But still, for the most part, we know who we are as individuals, and who the other person is.

We have some differences in our views. Differences in what we deem important. We have this conversation: have we just settled? Are we in a rut of relationship? We shouldn’t be clones. My life coach says, “If two are the same, one is unnecessary.” Meaning, unless you’re into having a spare of everything, you don’t need two people who are exactly the same. The differences add the spice, the variety, make the relationship unique among relationships.

I believe that in the end, we choose the significant others in our lives as much for their faults as for their good traits. Yes, at first, we’re drawn to someone by what we have in common and by their positive qualities. But after we see the negatives peek through, there’s a different process that occurs. Whether we recognize it or not, whether it is done subconsciously or not, there is a second process of selection, and this one is based on the negatives. We begin to determine what we can live with. As in, yes, there are things about Rob that annoy me, that irritate me. There are ways we are different. And I know, because over the years, he’s given me a hint or two about this, that there are things about me that frustrate him. I am not perfect for him. He is not perfect for me.

But I have chosen, not settled. Long ago, I saw the heart of this person that drew me. We were babies then, not even out of college. I don’t know how we beat the odds to survive this long. Somehow we did. It hasn’t been easy. We’re not perfect together. But we have created a dance between the two of us. It’s a unique dance, one that only we two know the steps to. I know when he’s having a bad day and needs quiet. I see him when he’s singing to oldies with the music cranked up so I worry the neighbors will complain. He knows when I am in sync, at peace. He sees me when I’m troubled and unhappy. He bears with me.

He’s turning 50 in a few weeks. We talk about a birthday plan. Should we go somewhere? Just the two of us? What does he want? I tell him I don’t care. It’s his special day. But I will choose to be with him, wherever he is. I chose long ago, and I’m still choosing.

It’s good now and then to revisit this in my mind. To know that I choose. To know I am not settling for what’s in front of me, just because the relationship exists.

As you think about your life, your commitments, I wish you the same peace, the same assurance. I wish for you the the certainty that comes from choosing for yourself, with full knowledge of the good, the bad, and the unique. And remember, if two are the same, one is unnecessary.

April Saturday

/ Sheila / Leave a comment
Ketchikan, Alaska from the east channel of the...

Ketchikan

Here in SE Alaska, spring sometimes forgets to behave as the season it is and moves back and forth between late winter and early summer. Actually, that’s pretty typical any time of year. This is a place where the weather really can change dramatically in five minutes. We’ve had sun/rain/sun/rain/sun today. At the moment we’re back to sun, but it probably won’t last.

But it was clear enough for a lunch-time walk down to Burger Queen, a little local dive of a place that has great food, milkshakes, and a tiny dining space. I think there are a total of five tables in the whole place. For anyone who knows Ketchikan, it’s located next to the tunnel on Tongass, before you pass through and enter the “downtown” part of the community.

Burger Queen makes a “Seattle Burger” and a Polish sausage sandwich “Solidarity” that is our standard order when we eat there. We order one of each and split them. Sometimes we add onion rings for a perfect Saturday lunch. This is the kind of place that’s been open for decades and multiple generations have experienced. Nothing fancy about it, but when you eat there, you know you’re getting authentic food…no chain menu, no fancy dining area, no waiters coming to your table to introduce themselves. No, you just sort out what you want from the big menu on the wall, then give your order to the kid at the cash register; you can see into the small kitchen just beyond the counter.

We’ve taken our kids and other guests to eat here. It’s a small experience, but the kind of place that I know we’ll talk about years from now, as in, “do you remember the little burger joint in Ketchikan?”

I’ll remember it, for the burger and the atmosphere, but mostly, because it was a place we experienced together. And whether it’s a big event or a simple lunch, sharing is the charm that adds the magic, even to a little lunch dive in Alaska.

Happy Saturday!

Just feed one

/ Sheila / 2 Comments

“If you can’t feed a hundred people, then just feed one.” Mother Teresa

“I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble.” Helen Keller

There are so many things I like about these quotes. They remind me that doing something good for just one person is enough. That doing something small is enough. That I don’t have to be great to be valuable. That I may never know what an act of kindness on my part may mean to another person, but it’s worth doing anyway. Practicing kindness is not about getting credit. It’s just about doing.

What are you doing today?

 

English Sticky Toffee Pudding

/ Sheila / 4 Comments
Sticky toffee pudding

Yum! Sticky Toffee Pudding

Recipe of the Week

Ok, I don’t really post a weekly recipe, but it sounds good, doesn’t it?

This recipe came to me from a dear friend, Ann, who is a wonderful cook of Southern heritage (no disrespect to other regions of the US, but I must say, all the Southern cooks I know are skilled and accomplished in the kitchen). Ann is a shining star in that area, and she has been a source of many family favorites through the years of our friendship. My famous cinnamon rolls (famous among my friends) are really Ann’s…and I am always happy to give credit to her.

But cinnamon rolls are for another day. Today’s little jewel is Sticky Toffee Pudding, possibly my favorite dessert in the world next to decadent chocolate cake. And there’s a secret ingredient: dates! Don’t be put off by that if you’re not a date fan. They dissolve beautifully. Make a game of asking family or guests what fruit is in the pudding. My bet is that no one will even know there’s fruit in the dessert, much less guess what it is.

The first thing to know about this dessert is that it is not a pudding. This is a recipe of English origin, and the English seem to label many things “pudding” that would not be a pudding to an American…just a little clarification going in so no one is surprised by the result. But believe me, you won’t be sorry this is not the traditional American pudding…just ignore the name and proceed as directed. This is a moist and delicious cake with the best and easiest-to-make caramel sauce I’ve ever had. In fact, the sauce alone is worth making. I use it for other desserts that need a little extra love in the form of gooey-buttery-brown sugar decadence. It keeps well in the fridge and reheats like a charm. And it dresses up anything, from a plain pound cake to a bowl of fresh fruit; perfect for ice cream too. Thank you, Ann!

Sticky Toffee Pudding

Pudding Ingredients:

  1. 1 cup plus 1 Tbsp all-purpose flour
  2. 1 tsp baking powder
  3. ¾ cup chopped pitted dates
  4. 1 ¼ cup boiling water
  5. 1 tsp baking soda
  6. ¼ cup unsalted butter, softened
  7. ¾ cup granulated sugar
  8. 1 large egg, lightly beaten
  9. 1 tsp vanilla

Toffee Sauce Ingredients:

  1. ½ cup unsalted butter
  2. ½ cup heavy cream
  3. 1 cup packed light brown sugar

Topping:

1 cup heavy cream, whipped

Directions for pudding:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Butter an 8 or 9 inch round cake pan, or square baking dish of similar size. Sift flour and baking powder together and set aside. Finely chop dates if you purchased whole dates. (You can purchase these pitted and whole, or already chopped, either option works.) Place dates in a bowl and add the boiling water and baking soda. Set aside.

In bowl of electric mixer, beat butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add the egg and vanilla and blend into butter/sugar. Gradually blend in the flour mixture. Gently fold date mixture into the batter, and pour into the prepared baking dish. Bake until the pudding is set and firm on top, about 35 minutes. Remove from oven to wire rack. Cool in pan.

Directions for sauce:

Combine the butter, ½ cup of heavy cream, and the brown sugar in a small heavy saucepan. Heat mixture to boiling, stirring constantly. Boil over medium heat until mixture is thickened, about 8 minutes.

To serve:

Preheat oven broiler. Spoon about 1/3 cup of the sauce over the pudding and spread evenly over the top. Place pudding under the broiler until the topping is bubbly, about 1 minute. Portion pudding into dessert dishes, drizzle with additional toffee sauce and top with a spoonful of whipped cream.

Delicious!

Unconditional love or approval?

/ Sheila / Leave a comment

I recently read a book that was amazing. Kitchen Table Wisdom, by Rachel Naomi Remen, MD, was first published in 1996. Somehow I missed it when it came out, all those years ago, and just stumbled across it one Saturday afternoon when I was rambling in a local bookstore. I actually bought a small gift book edition, a condensed version of the full text. I found the writing moving and insightful.

I eventually discovered, when I mentioned the little book to Rob, that he had the full text edition in his books, stored in the basement. I hadn’t even realized I had read an edited version. I dug it out and read the whole thing in a few short sittings.

The book is a combination of personal reflections based on the author’s life and stories of wisdom drawn from her experience and years as a physician and counselor. There are many pearls of insight, but the one that was most meaningful to me is this:

Children can learn early that they are loved for what they do and not simply for who they are. To a perfectionistic parent, what you do never seems as good as what you might do if you just tried a little harder. The life of such children can become a constant striving to earn love. Of course love is never earned, it is a grace we give one another. Anything we need to earn is only approval.

Few perfectionists can tell the difference between love and approval. Perfectionism is so widespread in this culture that we actually have had to invent another word for love. “Unconditional love,” we say. Yet all love is unconditional. Anything else is just approval.

“Anything else is just approval.” That’s a challenging filter to pour my emotions through. Digesting this made me consider all the people in my life that I love. It can be a bit complicated to sort out all the reasons we love, and what feeds that emotion. This is not just an issue for parents and children. The principle applies to spouse, extended family, friends.

Of course the people in our lives may do things that may please us, or not. But the question is really less about what others do and more about how we respond. As a parent of young children, I always encouraged my kids to do their best. But I admit, what I often meant was “I know you can do better than that.” And the reality is that I was probably right when I had those feelings. They probably could have done better. But bottom line, the challenge was to take whatever they did and see the positive in it. Sometimes I got that, sometimes not. I believe, overall, I was able to escape being a perfectionist parent, but not because I completely understood the difference between love and approval. Maybe that was a grace that I was given, and in turn was able to extend.

It’s a fine line we walk….navigating between approval and love. Of course, I believe these two things can exist together, and should. I can choose to love, even when someone in my life is behaving in a way I don’t approve. Maybe the resolution comes when I recognize that although I may be the center of my own little universe, the people in my life are not obligated to behave in a way that I approve. No. They will make their own decisions and choices. As someone who is part of their universe, I may have an opinion about their actions. But it is my choice whether I love, or don’t love. I don’t get a choice when it comes to behavior. That’s their choice.

What about you? Are you loving the people in your life? Or just approving of them? Is there behavior that crosses the line? Spouses divorce. Rifts occur. Family members let go of others, quit speaking. I’m not saying there should be no boundaries, or that loving someone means you become a door mat. But it’s worth thinking about.  I want to be honest with myself. And I want my standard to be love, not just approval. And I hope that I’ll be given the same grace.

Crossover

/ Sheila / 1 Comment

It’s an interesting thing to watch people grow up, especially if the people happen to be your own children. You see them through all the early stages, through the cute baby and childhood years. Then comes the teen era, and while I admit that my two were easy teens, it was still a challenging period in our lives. And now they are in their 20s, 23 and 27.

This summer, we will have our five-year anniversary of being empty-nesters. Hard to believe it could already be that long since we had kids at home every day. Stephanie and Matt will have their 5th anniversary in June, and Alex will end his five-year contract with the Army in August.

Through these years, I’ve seen a lot of changes in them. They were good kids…but they were kids. Now, they have not only taken on adult responsibilities, they have crossed into the adult world in maturity. Not that they’re all done. Oh no, none of us is ever a completely finished human being. That’s part of the magic of humanity. We get to continue the process of re-inventing, of self-discovery, maturing, throughout life. Circumstances change around us and cause us to respond. Or maybe the change is self-generated. But the point is, we have an almost infinite capacity to grow. And that’s a good thing.

I sometimes hear them complain about work issues, someone not doing their job or doing it poorly. Alex has experienced the loss of a number of friends, casualties of war and life. That’s a growth experience a lot of people don’t have at his age. He spent a year deployed to a combat zone in Iraq, and that shaped him too.

Stephanie, 7th grade math teacher, brave soul that she is, is frequently saddened by the turmoil she witnesses in the lives of her students. And she’s caught between expectations of her as a teacher and the burden of having 30+ kids in class several times a day. And she’s taken on the joy and journey of being mom to Riley, in itself guaranteed to furnish a lifetime of growth opportunities.

I’ve seen them mature in their marriages too. That’s another area no one is ever done with. If you’re married, you’re challenged. Not because of the specific person you’re married to…because you are with another human being. No two are alike, no two are always in sync, and no two are perfect. And young marriages are by definition a work in progress. Actually any marriage is a work in progress.

But what I hear is not the complaints or frustration. I hear two people who understand if you take on a job, you need to step up, do it right (or as best you can). They understand that actions have consequences, that adults do the responsible thing. That applies to relationships and to work. They get that life isn’t always fun, although it often is. They’ve learned to value the income they earn, and understand they are paid because of the effort they put in. We’re not subsidizing their lives or their choices. And that’s a good thing.

And the best part? Rob says we’re just consultants now. That’s our role. Of course we’ll always be their parents. But most of the time we get to be friends with these two great young adults.  Making the transition from parent to friend has been a gradual process; not consciously sought, but so rewarding. This is the part you can’t foresee when children are little: how sweet it is to see them on their on path to becoming, in spite of the parenting mistakes and mis-steps. This is not bragging, you understand. In fact, it’s astonishing to me that two small beings, put into the hands of naive twenty-somethings, are stable young adults. And that’s the real payoff for all the years of work, lost sleep, taxi service, school events, youth group, soccer practice, etc., etc., etc. It’s a good place to be, and I’m honored to have a front row seat from which to witness, cheer, and encourage them on their way.

Yum, doughnuts!

/ Sheila / 1 Comment
Krispy Kreme 10

Krispy Kreme Hot Light

I caught a few minutes of a Food Network program that was profiling snacks, one of which was Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. Gave me a flashback to when we lived in Colorado and a Krispy Kreme store opened near our favorite mall. We lived in the foothills above Denver, one of the most beautiful places I know. Genesee, a little community in unincorporated Jefferson County (JeffCo) was home for many years. It was a perfect place to live, high above the city, and the lights at night were beautiful. We had an amazing view of the mountains and could see a range of snow covered peaks by looking out our windows.

Ok, got sidetracked there…this post is about doughnuts. The important point of where we lived is that it was just far enough from our favorite mall, Park Meadows, that we needed a doughnut snack to make the drive home complete. When the Krispy Kreme store opened, any time we stopped by, there was a long line of cars waiting at the drive through window. Of course you could go in and buy at the counter. You could also watch the doughnuts being made, going through the process of rising, frying, then riding through the waterfall of glaze, before coming out on the other end, ready to be eaten in a few bites of warm gooey deliciousness.

The important thing to know about Krispy Kremes…if you ever see the hot light on, you must stop, whether you need to, mean to, want to, even if you just started a diet…this is an imperative! The hot light indicates that doughnuts are in production at that moment. If you haven’t experienced a freshly cooked doughnut, then you haven’t had a doughnut. I won’t claim that Krispy Kremes are the best doughnut in the world. I haven’t sampled all the options. But it is the only brand I’ve ever had warm, right out of the fryer; and that you can regularly have them fresh and hot is enough to make them a favorite with me.

So this is my suggestion for a great afternoon of retail therapy: take two fun kids along, shop your heart out, have dinner at your favorite burger place, then end the day with a box of warm Krispy Kremes. You have to have at least one on the ride home, and then one or two for breakfast the next morning (they reheat nicely with a quick microwave zap). Not sure what is more delicious: the doughnuts, or the memories. Here’s to you, Stephanie and Alex! Thanks for being part of those afternoon trips, those rides back home. And next time we’re together, let’s get some doughnuts.

Really? Seriously?

/ Sheila / 1 Comment

Ok, I know this is judgmental. I can’t help myself here. I saw a commercial for a new series, I think it’s called “Extreme Couponing” or something like that. From the preview scenes, the premise seems to be that some people (women) spend hours and hours clipping coupons, then are able to buy many hundreds of dollars worth of groceries for practically nothing. Now, I don’t know what these people eat. But when I see coupons, it seems like most of them are for items that I don’t eat, don’t need, don’t like, or can’t use. Or, you have to buy three things to get one free, or stand on your head and hold your mouth just so to get the discount….I don’t know….is it just me? Am I a coupon snob? I don’t feel like a snob. I’ve clipped, torn, folded, saved and forgotten many a coupon in my time. For years we subscribed to a daily paper, and the Sunday edition, with it’s booklet of coupons, was always a part of my Sunday afternoon routine. But alas, coupon management is not my strong suit. I’ve been known to carefully store coupons with exciting discounts (the few really great coupons I’ve ever found) until just after they expire….that’s when I find the ones I clipped with such anticipation, snuggled deep inside my purse…just as they become worthless little bits of paper.

I finally gave it up. To me, the whole thing is just a tease. I think I’m going to save money, but somehow it doesn’t work out that way. And here’s another thing I’ve learned. It may seem counter-intuitive, or even sacreligious. But I find that it’s better for me to buy everything for household staples – laundry detergent, toilet paper, cleaning supplies – at the grocery. It costs more to buy these things there, but if I go to one of the big box stores – WalMart or Target, or a Sams or Costco – I always spend more on items that weren’t even on my list. Yes, impulse buying. So I’ve learned, over time, that it’s better to spend a little more at the grocery, and avoid the other stores as much as possible. Not that I have anything against any of these businesses….it’s just simple economics. Or more accurately, it’s Sheila’s economics. And it probably works at this point in my life because I’m not buying for a family any more. But regardless, it’s my system, and I’m sticking to it. And I do not spend hours getting ready for marathon shopping sprees. Maybe I just don’t know what I’m missing. But I’m coupon free, and loving it!

Still on the market

/ Sheila / 5 Comments

We listed the house in January. Don’t remember the exact day the listing was official, I think it was about the 10th of the month. Our realtor said the average time a house is on the market is 60 to 90 days, and perhaps a little longer in our price range. So we’re clearly over the 60 day mark.

We’re having an open house this weekend, the first in the more hopeful season of early spring. Houses do sell in January and February, it just isn’t as common. So the time on the market to date has allowed me to get ready to sell, to do a lot of sorting and boxing. The basement is boxed, and most of the non-essentials throughout the house are boxed or have been sold or donated. Having the sign in front of the house has been a real motivator for me.

Tonight when I got home there was a flyer on the door from a local moving company. But wait, I already got a moving estimate from another company in town. A little comparison shopping can be a good thing, so I think I’ll give this second company a call. After all, they’re affiliated with a national mover, so they could handle an out of state relocation. But the real question is: is it a sign? I had a call today, out of the blue (my favorite thing! love the unexpected), from someone who is in town looking for housing. Hmmm….I’ll keep you posted!

Pain of parting

/ Sheila / 2 Comments
Shoes in a shop

 

I’m going through a painful process as I sort and thin possessions. Yes. I am parting with some of my shoes. Imagine mournful music playing at this point.

A love of shoes is a common weakness for women. Maybe for some men, but I’ll confine myself to generalizations and stereotypes of my own gender here. I am definitely not alone in this. Visit any shoe store and the selection for women is much larger than for men. I feel very proud of myself if I only choose three or four pairs of shoes when I pack for a weekend. I’ve known some women to need a whole suitcase for shoes for a week. I quickly say to myself, “I’m not that bad!” But of course these things are all relative. My husband can’t understand why I might need multiple pairs of black shoes for a trip. But while the color may be the same, the style is different. Who would put black heels with an outfit that needs black flats?! But he never really gets these subtleties.

What I really struggle with is giving up favorite pairs of shoes. I used to love Pappagallo shoes, and had a quite a collection in my closet. Then I lost my source for buying that brand. But although I bought the last pair in the early 90s (can’t believe my son was in 1st grade at the time, that really puts this in perspective for me) I’ve never been able to give up any of them. Not that I still wear them. No, they’re dated enough that I would feel strange about that. But they’re Pappagallos! And because I have kept my shoes in their original boxes and I’m careful to wipe down and polish, even shoes from that era still look almost new. But really, I’m not stocking items for a museum. And if I’m not going to dress in vintage clothing, why am I still hauling them around?

So, I have a multi-step plan. First I pull out anything that is even remotely questionable. I can part with two pairs using this filter. Then I look again and try to determine if there are classic styles that I haven’t been wearing that I really would put back into use. You know, sometimes you just transition to newer items because they are new, not because the older things are out of style or too worn. So I determine that another two or three pairs of low heeled pumps really are wearable, and looking at online shoes stores, could have been purchased yesterday. So I was right all along about classic styles…they really do last, or come back into fashion!

So that leaves me with a dozen or so pairs of shoes that I am struggling to give up. I know, realistically, they won’t be coming back to my clothing rotation. I did get a lot of use from them at the time. Now I just have to steel myself and let go. I look at the colors and the lines of the shoes, I remember times I wore them or outfits I paired them with. Something that seemed like a routine chore is surprisingly poignant, because suddenly this is not about getting rid of old shoes at all. I’m walking through an era of my life when I was in my early 30s and I had young children. I had a different life. Rob and I were the young parents. We had a lot before us.

Now I am a grandmother of an almost-one-year-old, and I have a lot of old shoes. I have new ones too. My life hasn’t stood still. And if I have a few moments of nostalgia for the past, I can shake it off and remind myself that today is good too. But it’s funny to me how out of the blue, in a stab of realization, these gains and losses are defined all over again, and by unexpected catalysts. Who would have thought cleaning out my shoes would take me to 1st grade, or soccer games, or the office I worked in at the time? Or the trip Rob and I made to New York? Or a house I once loved?

One of my favorite quotes says, “You’re never safe from surprise till you’re dead!” Well, sitting in the middle of my closet floor, surrounded by the past, cleverly disguised as shoes, I experience surprise at how sharp and sweet the memories are. But I look again and realize that I am keeping the memories, the really sweet stuff. It’s the shoes I’m cleaning out. My heart will still be able to go back and visit those times, at moments that I choose, or need to. The scenes in my mind are still there, tucked away. But I can let go of the shoes. That’s not where I live; they’ve outstayed their welcome, and it’s time to send them on their way.