Intention vs behavior

/ Sheila / 2 Comments

I was watching a TV show recently and someone used the phrase “a call to excellence.”  I can’t remember what the program was about. But the phrase made me think about how striving for excellence differs from being a perfectionist. There’s an important distinction in the two concepts.

If I allow myself to be in perfectionist mode, I am never satisfied with the results of my efforts. I feel like my best is never good enough. Not that anyone else makes that judgment; I make it for myself. I am my own worst critic. But when I have the mindset of reaching for excellence, there is a subtle shift in how I see my efforts. I am able to become my own cheerleader, as though I am standing back and watching an athlete race or attempt a demanding physical feat. I see the aim for the best outcome.

Perfectionism is about critiquing results, finding fault with what was done, or not done. Striving for excellence is about encouraging the reach, the desire to be the best I can. Even the words “strive,” “reach,” “aim,” convey an implicit realization that the goal may not be achieved, the reach may exceed the grasp. But there is also an acknowledgement in those words of trying, putting my best forward.

I know I’m not perfect. But I love the challenge of excelling. Striving for excellence keeps me engaged and encouraged. When I feel the burden of perfectionism creeping into my thoughts, I feel disheartened and defeated.

Now, the next step: I can only judge for myself when I am honestly striving for excellence. Whether I achieve my goal or not, I know if I have truly given my best. But I can’t know that about anyone else. Not another living soul. I can see results from others that may look far short of excellence. But how can I know what another person can achieve at any given time, or in any given situation? This realization brings me full circle. I can only control the results of my own efforts. I can encourage and cheer others on, from my sideline position. But I can’t achieve for anyone else, and I can’t know if anyone else has reached for their own excellence. I have to trust, and then accept.

My life coach says we judge others by their behavior and ourselves by our intentions. And this sums up the challenge for how we treat others. If I can forgive myself when I don’t achieve the excellence I strive for, why can’t I do that for everyone else in my life? Here it is again: grace. This is not being blind to shortcomings, whether in myself or others. Grace allows me to love and accept myself anyway. And to love and accept others anyway.

That is enormously freeing…not that I have been burdened with angst or carrying grudges. And I have been working to free myself of perfectionism for a long time (thank you, Flylady!) But it is helps me put this into words, think it through. The process allows me to be intentional in how I view myself and how I relate to others.

I am reaching for excellence, and living with grace.

Not at once, but at last

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I struggle to patiently await the unfolding of events. I have a lot of ability to be patient with people, but not with circumstances. It is especially difficult to wait through something that seems to be holding up my life…like selling a house…have I mentioned that I have a house on the market? Just a few times?

While I am waiting, I think about one of my favorite phrases. I remind myself that many things happen “not at once, but at last.” Often I see this at work in life circumstances. Other times it defines a personal journey. I am not able to understand something at once, but at last, I get it. I am not able to forgive something at once, but at last, I am able to find that spirit in my heart.

I need soak time, time to mull things over, time to absorb. I don’t know if that makes me a slow thinker, or a deliberate one. Maybe it comes to the same thing. But I do know that when I’m faced with choice, conflict, decisions, I need time to reach a  conclusion. And that’s frequently the way life is, at least in matters I would like to be quickly resolved. There is a process, or a chain of events, or a natural unfolding of the story that must be accommodated, must be honored. To try to rush an answer, in my experience, generally leads to a bad outcome. Or a different outcome than I want.

And so I wait. I wait for life to sort itself out, for forces to align. While I’m waiting, I’m doing what I can to make myself ready. And while I’m waiting, I see things happening that give me hope, bolster my faith, help me to know that when the time is right, I’ll have the answers I need. Not at once. But at last.

Food done right

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Tomato plants in the garden.
Home grown tomatoes

There is a growing awareness in the US today of the value of eating locally grown organic and sustainable foods. This isn’t a new concept, but there are more and more restaurants creating menus from locally sourced produce, dairy, and meats. The menus reflect what is in season at the moment…what is available at the time of year. The reality is that this is simply a return to a much older way of eating…long before pesticides, mass production, and vast distribution systems became the norm in the food industry.

Small and privately owned farms are leading this movement. There is a renewed appreciation for the art, the craft, the science, of food production done well, from the farm to the table. Farmers inspire chefs, and chefs support farmers. It’s a healthy and nutritious approach to life.

One of the goals I have in choosing “next” is to have access to farmers’ markets and to a wider array of food choices. At the local markets in Ketchikan, there is a good selection of ethnic and imported foods. But it would be oh so fun to have even more options. I remember my mom going to Indian food stores to buy authentic curry spice mixtures and other items that were not available at the local grocery. Things have come a long way. But I’m intrigued by the challenge of eating locally, and I want to explore the choices that come with living in a region of the country that has a rich agricultural tradition and more ethnic diversity of restaurants and resources.

Long ago, when Rob and I were first married, we planted a few tomato plants outside our apartment building. My grandmother, one of the greenest thumbs of all time, recommended a healthy spread of chicken manure as fertilizer for the plants. Those tomato vines produced an amazing harvest, and I must say, the only tomato harvest I’ve ever personally produced.

I don’t want to become a farmer. I don’t think my thumb is green enough. But I would love to have access to farmers’ bounty, and to have the opportunity to try my hand at growing tomatoes again. I don’t know if or when that ambition may become a reality. It is one of the things I’m thinking about as I sit dreaming, looking out at the Tongass Narrows. Living “as if, ” thinking, “not at once, but at last.”As  I said to a friend a few days ago, if all my dreams come true, I could spend the rest of my life living in an RV. I highly doubt that will be the case! But I think some adventuring is in order before I think about planting tomatoes or new roots. I’m good with that. I don’t need either of those things at the moment. But some day, maybe I’ll be a proud tomato grower again. And I’ll have a favorite farm stand to visit.

Sacred cows

/ Sheila / 4 Comments
Smock

 

So I’ve been talking a lot about cleaning out, letting go of stuff. I realized this morning that I am letting go of guilt, old plans, old views of myself. The best example of this is that last night, on my way home, I dropped off some things to my friend Val, who is an avid quilter/seamstress.  The things I gave her were a BIG box of children’s sewing patterns, fabric from all the special outfits I smocked for the kids, (I had saved leftover fabric from their outfits thinking that I would someday make a quilt out of all of it…what was I thinking??? I don’t quilt, and don’t have interest in learning!), and my smocking supplies. I had kept this stuff for 20+ years, thinking that when I had grandchildren I would use it all again. I enjoyed heriloom sewing when Stephanie and Alex were children, and I knew without doubt that I would enjoy smocking for new little ones.

For the past year I have worked on a smocking project that I started for Riley. I chose fabric, a smocking design, and I put several hours into it. But I didn’t enjoy a minute of it. My vision has changed just enough that something that was once a pleasure is now
a chore. At first I had planned to make the little dress as a gift to give Stephanie at Riley’s birth; then it became something that I was going to do as a Christmas gift…then a first birthday present. This morning I’ve decided that I am going to give that fabric to Val also. Just because I did that for my children doesn’t mean I have to do it for grandchildren. My love for Riley is not defined by smocking special things for her. Maybe I’ll be the cool grandmother who’ll teach her about camping, or cooking, or blogging, or something I haven’t even discovered for myself yet. But I won’t be smocking. That isn’t my skill any more, and I am letting go of the physical tools and the mental guilt of that change. I am celebrating that change…I feel so free, realizing that I need to look at everything I own with this same filter. I’ll keep plenty of stuff. But it will be the stuff of my life now, not from 20 years ago.  I’ve cleaned out a lot of things over the years. But I’ve kept some sacred cows, and now I realize that those aren’t really sacred….they may just be a remnant of who I used to be.  As I drove away from Val’s house, I had a smile on my face and in my heart. What a release!

Life lists

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When I was young, in my 20s, I thought I had my whole life before me. I did, of course. I find that is still true, even at the age of 50. (I must seem endlessly fixated on this number. I’m really not; it just makes a nice reference point for life evaluation.) I hope to have a healthy number of years left. And I recognize that I have immense flexibility now that I didn’t have in the past.

Some of this freedom comes from the stage I’ve reached. Kids are grown and self-supporting (Yay!); there is enough money for discretionary choices; I am able to pursue freedom without concern that a move will impact career. Work, although a good and rewarding part of my life, is just that: a part.

I’m busy, as I fill my days with relationships, employed work, de-cluttering, blogging, daily to-do list, etc., etc., etc., constructing a path for “next.” As in, “what’s next?” One of the epiphanies I had a few years ago (been working on some of this for a while!) is that it seems great to open up the map, to think you can choose to live anywhere you want. But without job or family informing the choice, it is actually overwhelming and intimidating. So with this next step, as we prepare to move from Ketchikan, there is a different strategy. Rather than look for a next place to anchor right away, I hope to explore a variety of settings, to try on some dreams before making a long-term choice.

We attempted to do this once before. We looked at some small towns in the northwest that were charming and had location appeal. But we were sidetracked with a decision before we made a selection…we allowed ourselves to be chosen, without making an intentional choice ourselves.

So, learn from past mistakes. This time, I think the filter should be less about place, more about experience. I want us to define what we are looking for now, and hope we can put location, opportunity, and resources together to explore dreams. There are a lot of beautiful places in the world, but beauty isn’t the only thing to consider. I’m looking for a package deal: possibilities for fulfillment, adventure, serendipity. And if the view is amazing, that will be a bonus. A phrase sometimes used to describe this type of search is “bucket list:” a list of things to do or see before you die. That’s the wrong motivation for me. Here’s the thing: I don’t have a bucket list. I have a life list. This isn’t about checking off things to do, it is about finding life, as it is ever-changing and evolving.

A line from one of my favorite movies of all time, The Sound of Music, expresses this thought. There’s a scene in the movie when the Reverend Mother tells Maria, “You have to live the life you were born to live.” You have to look for your life. And first, you have to know what you are looking for. Sounds easy, but unless you are one of the rare people who knew at a single-digit age what you wanted to do with your life, not as simple as it sounds. And I find that what I look for has changed over the years. I don’t need a great school system these days. I don’t need a big house. I still need love. I still want joy. But the sources are less the concrete things in my life, more the intangibles. If I seem slow to realize this, I’m not. I’ve known this for a long time. But I am reaching a point of re-creating, with intention, with purpose, with direction. I wasn’t able to do it at once, but I am able to at last.

Haircut Day!

/ Sheila / 2 Comments

Boy, do I need a haircut!

Best day in a woman’s month! Love to see that note on my calendar: haircut tomorrow!

Priorities

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I’ve been thinking a lot about comparisons and contrasts lately. I’m shifting some priorities, and that requires me to evaluate my current line-up. So I’m considering: What is important? More important? Most important? We make these judgments all the time in daily life. It is important to do laundry to have clean clothes in my drawer. But it is more important when I am down to my last pair of jeans. It is most important when I’m on my last pair of underwear! I exaggerate to make the point…I never run out of clean jeans or underwear. But that progression exists in many areas of life, large and small.

What is the difference in liking and valuing? I like nice things, a nice home, a nice car; all good. For a long time, I valued these things. In the last couple of years, I’ve realized that I don’t value these like I once did. I’ve always known that relationships are the best part of my life. But I’ve sometimes, though un-intentionally, let my need for things come before my relationships. At the moment, I’m living in a house that has had a negative impact on the freedom that Rob and I have. I didn’t intend to put a house before a marriage. But I did.

My life coach talks about “lip service” and “life service.” Simply put, this is the difference in what we say and what we do. I have sometimes given lip service when I should have been giving life service. It’s easy to do…life gets in the way of living. And small choices add up.

So what do you do if you realize you are out of sync, your priorities mis-aligned? Balancing the competing demands, needs, wants, hopes of life requires juggling and dexterity. But the process also requires honesty. I can’t balance my life if I’m not honest with myself about what I value, what is most important. And once I do that, if I see changes are needed, I have to step up. Decide if I’m going to give lip service or life service.

I’ve decided what I want. I want my soul mate back. I want this house to sell. I want my freedom back. I want road trips and adventure. I had all of that, and I gave it away for a house. But I’m gathering myself, righting myself, re-aligning priorities. I’m stepping up. I’m giving life service.

Pass the pepper

/ Sheila / 2 Comments

To foodies out there who love freshly ground black pepper, here’s a fun find:

Trudeau Pepper Mill

This pepper grinder is battery operated. You put whole peppercorns in and simply turn the grinder upside down. No buttons to push or top to twist. Just up-end over the dish you want to season and the grinder does the work.

You can find this online from Amazon or at specialty kitchen stores.

Enjoy!

Do the right thing

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Take a look at this video from a news station in Philadelphia, PA. http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=news/local&id=7967738

It is never wrong to do the right thing…(thanks for the phrase, JeannaLynn!)

Growth

/ Sheila / Leave a comment

As part of re-balancing my life, I have been doing a lot of soul searching. Disclaimer: This blog is not named “Sheila.” Blogging provides a personal record of this journey, but I’m also writing with the thought that my work may prompt someone reading (all five of you!) to do your own soul searching – if you need to. Maybe this is only useful for me. But regardless, the point is not to be endlessly focused on self. The point is to become a better person, a better everything…and that takes thought and work.

Life is a process of growth and evolution. We move through visible and defined changes, from one birthday to the next, from baby steps to running, from being the child to being the parent, the grownup. But once we arrive at the stage of adulthood, other than physical signs of aging, change can become less visible, less measurable.

So how do I know I am growing, maturing? I’ve heard it said that some people grow up, others just grow old.

I can look back and see many differences in myself, spanning the years. I see changes in style of dress, taste in food, decorating, in personal pleasures. There are some constants. I am always going to love chocolate, home-grown tomatoes, ice cold Coke from the can. I will always need music and books. Faith and family are foundational to me.

There are surface changes. I love rich colors now; in my 20s I chose blues and creams as a home color scheme. Nothing wrong with those colors. But now I choose vibrant shades of berry, greens, black. For many years I loved the country theme and found it cozy and soothing to surround myself with that look. But gradually, I have come to appreciate a more traditional and classic style. I still love the country motif…in other people’s homes. But not in mine.

I love traditional Southern foods…fried okra, butter beans (ok, most of you will know them as Lima beans) black-eyed peas, my grandmother’s cornbread. But over the years I’ve added a lot of other favorites to my food list. I am intrigued with herbs, cheeses with names I can’t pronounce, cooking methods that I haven’t tried before, regional specialties that seem exotic and luscious because I didn’t grow up eating them…I have broadened my food horizons.

I can easily recognize external growth. It is harder to catalog the evolution of my thoughts, my personality. Am I just mellowing, as I hear happens as we age? Am I just worn down by life? My husband says we (he and I) are worn “down to the nub”…we’re just two nubs….not sure exactly what a nub is, but it doesn’t sound particularly attractive. But here’s my question…what change comes from my own effort, and what has occurred due to external forces? I’ll be honest to say that I want to believe positive change has been intentional. I’ll let nature and time have credit for the fine lines around my eyes or the gray hair that I very regularly color blonde.

Bottom line, I’m not sure I can sort it all out. But I know I am more giving, less judgmental than I was in my 20s and 30s. You probably remember that time in your own life. In mine, it was a curious combination of insecurity, bluffing my way, trying to put on an adult act; and viewing life in very concrete terms. I thought I knew a lot then. This is hardly unique to me; I know many people have this realization. But the fact that it is a common occurrence does not lessen the profoundness of it to me.

Sometimes change is so incremental, you don’t know it has occurred until you have the “aha” experience, and realize you’ve rounded a bend. Sometimes change is intentional. And sometimes it is thrust upon us…no option to stay with the status quo, the status quo ends; you have to find your new normal. The challenge is to nurture positive momentum, resist negative movement, and gracefully accept the un-sought, unbidden change that is here to stay. You can’t stand still; but you can focus on moving forward, not losing ground.

Where are you on your journey?