Awakening

/ Sheila / 4 Comments

I have been given a great gift. I have been awakened, and I didn’t even know I was asleep.

I have awakened from a long period of taking my marriage for granted. Not that I didn’t value it…but I had forgotten how much I value it. I was asleep with nearly 30 years of acceptance, complacency, familiarity, and assumption. Not that it was always that way, of course. In the beginning, and for many years, it was different. But if time brings good things to a relationship, it can also rob it of its freshness, its excitement, the thrill of the unknown. And for all of the sweetness and joy, for all the added richness children bring, there is also a cost of time, money, and frequently, priority. The primary relationship makes room for the family. But you know the story. The children grow up, launch, move on. And while the relationships with both our son and daughter remain vital and loving, the dynamics have changed. We are two again, have been for a few years now.

Living in Alaska has been challenging in many ways. It has been exciting and an empty nest adventure, but it has also been stressful and difficult. Work, logistics, climate: they have all been stressful personally, professionally, and in this most recent location, stressful to the relationship. I find that I don’t like living alone while Rob works out of town.

How is it that I can be 50 years old and yet feel like a teenager inside? How is it that I once again find myself excited when Rob is coming home? Thinking about little things to show him that he has been missed, is loved, is appreciated with a renewed sense of anticipation and joy? It is surreal. I am in the same relationship with the same person who has been my husband and partner since 1981, and yet when we’re together now I feel 16 again. What is that about?

Separation doesn’t always lead to a good thing. Absence does not always make the heart grow fonder. But time apart can illuminate how important it is to be together. Time apart can remind you that there is someone you want to be with, that you’ve chosen to be with, that you long to be with. That is where I find myself. This past two years of living a commuter lifestyle has shown me that after all this time, I am still satisfied with the choice I made long ago. Over 30 years a lot has happened. Neither Rob nor I are the people we were…of course not! We’ve matured, aged, changed, grown, evolved into the adults we are now. I admit, looking back, the 20 year olds who got married with such naiveté were babies…how did we even have the courage to take that step at that age? I suppose the answer is that the young are fearless. Anything seems possible at 20.

Now, at 50 (alright, he’s still just 49, but who’s counting?!) we’ve had the roller coaster experience that life brings to most people: the ups and downs, good and bad. We have had our times of disillusionment, of discouragement. Without experiencing any visible tragedy, we have known the wearing down of heart that comes from the accumulated toll stress takes on the human spirit. We have reached burnout.

So we began to look for new direction, and the challenge of going through this together has awakened in me interest, excitement, hope, desire…for the future, for my partner, for myself. I feel like I’m on the brink of something amazing. But this is not just about  a change of address or a change of job. This encompasses a change of heart, a renewal of commitment, the energy to focus on the partner in my life who has been with me all the way. I am hopeful and full of anticipation. And I’m 16 inside…an exciting experience for a 50 year old, and a good place to be, after all. I don’t know where life is taking us, but I’m excited to be part of the journey, and to experience it with my partner, my lover, my friend, my husband.

The view from my window

/ Sheila / 3 Comments

As the morning mist rises, I look out from the windows in my sunroom to the Tongass Narrows, part of Alaska’s Inside Passage. The small community of Ketchikan, AK, is built along this stretch of coast. There are low mountains all around, covered with the evergreen trees that blanket the Southeast of Alaska in forest. This time of year, early December, the tops of the mountains have a frosting of snow. Although this is Alaska, the Southeast’s climate is temperate, and rain is the most significant weather feature. The view is beautiful, a combination of nature’s serenity and the human traffic of the region: fishing boats, both recreational and commercial, barges, all types of marine vessels. And float planes, the ever-present air transporation so vital to this area. In the summer season huge cruise ships are the most prominent traffic on the water.

I have had many views from my windows in the past thirty years. I have been fortunate to live in some pristine and scenic places. Colorado was home for almost twenty years, and from the Western Slope view of the Grand Mesa and the Redlands to the majestic alpine mountains from the foothills outside of Denver, I had a front row seat to enjoy the beauty of the changing seasons. For a few years in Michigan my view was a suburban neighborhood, filled with children playing street hockey and riding bikes, a kind of ideal Americana image magically preserved from some earlier and more innocent era.

My view will be changing soon. I’m listing the house for sale in January. I don’t know what the new scenery will be, but I’m hoping that it will be beautiful. I’ll admit, I’m spoiled. Maybe this is the opportunity to have a beach view and see amazing sunsets on a daily basis. Or it might be a changing view from the windows of an RV. Whatever is in the future, I’m looking forward to the adventure and the joy of experiencing what’s next.

Cheerful vs happy

/ Sheila / 2 Comments

“I’m not happy. I’m cheerful. There’s a difference. A happy woman has no cares at all. A cheerful woman has cares but has learned how to deal with them.”  Beverly Sills, American opera singer.

I saw this quote recently and was immediately charmed. By this definition of happiness, could anyone really claim that state? Is there really anyone who has no cares at all? Not in my experience. But I know many people who regularly demonstrate grace under fire, grace under pressure, grace in the face of real life struggles. To some degree, life is all about perspective. If things are generally good, even a small disappointment can take on greater significance. A flat tire or lost cell phone can feel like a small tragedy. I have to acknowledge that most of my life has been blessed with health, children, friends, relationships, love…the kind of life that is easy to take for granted because it is stable.

I am increasingly aware that no life is simple, that even the people around us who look whole and happy have their cares, their own quiet battles. No one escapes some form of life challenge. Sometimes the issues are of our own making, sometimes not. Sometimes the stress is personal, sometimes it is from the heartache of watching a family member or friend struggle, and only being able to stand by and watch.

So what is the answer? Even in times of stress and heartache, life  goes on. How is that possible? It’s difficult to rise above grief, above loss, above pain. But the attempt to be cheerful is important. Is this just the “fake it till you make it” attitude? I think this is different. I think the message from this quote is that we acknowledge our troubles, we confront them, we choose life. We continue to embrace life. We look for the good to offset the bad.

I’ve sometimes been accused of being the proverbial ostrich, burying my head in the sand. And anyone who know me knows that I never seek confrontation with others. But I see a subtle difference here. When I have difficulty in my life, my confrontation is less with someone than with the issue itself. What can I do to make a difference? How can I overcome? After all, I can’t change another person, I can only change myself. I can only choose for myself. I can only be cheerful for myself.

I choose cheerfulness. I am not always able to claim happiness. But I can breathe deeply, I can focus on the good in my life, I can enjoy the comforts of the day: now in early December, a warm fire, a cup of hot coffee, twinkling lights, an early Christmas card from a friend. I choose to be a light in the darkness. Doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle with this at times: of course I do. But with the help of faith in the power of God, faith in the power of good, faith in the power of hope, I will be cheerful. I will overcome.

It is a very empowering place to be. I’m liking the view from this vantage point.

“Slam Poetry” – who knew?

/ Sheila / 3 Comments

I recently came across this YouTube video that was so stunning I had to share it. I notice it was posted three years ago, so maybe I’m the last person on the planet to see this. The piece is from the “slam poetry” genre, a type of spoken word poetry that often focuses on current issues and injustices of politics, gender, economics, etc., and can be very controversial in nature.

I am not often drawn to this type of thing, but I felt this was very powerful. The poet, Katie Makkai, doing a piece called “Pretty,” speaks about the fixation that our society, and particularly women, have with appearance. She talks of her own struggle with image and then broadens her point to include women who look for fulfillment in their latest shopping excursion, and to men who are looking for love by seeking attractiveness first. She concludes by promising her future daughter that she will never be simply “pretty” or defined by that word. It is well worth a couple of minutes to view.

I am not any ardent feminist, and I am realistic enough to know that despite humanity’s best effort and intention, people who possess personal beauty will always be counted favored and fortunate. It is certainly no crime to want to be attractive or to want to present one’s best self to the world. But the poet’s point is that for many people, beauty, attractiveness, appearance become so important that the real worth of the individual is diminished, and a false value is established: the value of how beautiful one’s face and body is, rather than the worth of the person behind the appearance.

Let me know what you think. I’m interested to know if this resonates.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6wJl37N9C0

New skills; or, 50 and fearless!

/ Sheila / 2 Comments

So, after a bit of agonizing over my inevitable 50th birthday… inevitable since I’ve continued to live…I have come to terms with my new decade. I turned 50 in September, and although I don’t want to seem totally self-absorbed, it gave me a little heartburn to realize that I’m now officially old enough for an AARP membership.

I’ve heard some women speak of being “50 and fabulous,” and while that’s a line I’d love to claim for myself, I can’t honestly say that I’m fabulous on a daily basis. My fabulous moments are somewhat hit and miss. Most of the time I have to categorize myself more in the “doing the best I can” mode.

My new phrase that celebrates turning 50 and showcases the spirit I’m striving for is “50 and fearless.” This is not to say that there are not plenty of things in life worthy of fear. Serious illness, loss, concerns about family, relationship issues, money troubles, the leak in my bathroom…all bring some level of fear to my mind. Some fears are easily calmed, and anything that can be resolved with money, in my opinion, is not too big a problem in the first place. It’s only money, right? But some fears are too real, too big, to gloss over with a pep talk. Some things can’t be bought with money. Some things have to be accepted, acknowledged, lived with.

But the attitude…that’s what I want. The spirit of fearlessness is my goal. The spirit that says “bring it on, I’ll find a way to meet this challenge with grace and dignity.” And if I can nurture that attitude in myself, if I can face life with boldness, then maybe turning 50 will be ok after all. It feels a bit like arriving, although I don’t claim to have everything figured out. But by this point in my life, I’ve lived long enough to know that whatever comes, most likely the process of finding a solution to a problem, or finding the grace to accept, will stretch me in new ways, will broaden my horizons, will bring new insight. And after all, isn’t that valuable in itself? I know more, and less, now than I did at 20. I am more confident and more tolerant, less sure that I have the answers to everything. But I believe I am kinder, gentler, softer, and yet have more ability to endure. And as I take stock of myself at the beginning of this new decade, I’d like to believe I’m progressing, not just aging.

So that’s my goal and challenge to myself: to be 50 and fearless. To be courageous and to embrace whatever comes; to seek the opportunity to grow, to stretch, to find new strengths, new skills, new horizons. And who knows? Maybe one day I will be fabulous as well as fearless…with a lot of effort, and a generous supply of grace.

Little Riley

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Last week, over the Thanksgiving holiday, I had a little taste of heaven. I spent the week with Riley, our seven month old granddaughter. Of course, there were a few others present as well: Stephanie and Matt, and Rob. But this was the first time that Riley was with us as a distinct personality, and it was a joy to experience.

When Riley was born this year on April 22, weeks premature, my first view of her was in a NICU incubator crib with a baby CPAP mask covering her face. Although she was generally healthy, her lungs were a bit immature and she needed a few days of monitoring and growth before she was ready to leave the hospital. That was an anxious time, an introduction to a newborn, tinged with fear as well as the joy of welcoming new life to the family. She was so tiny, so fragile, so remote.

We saw her again in late June, a two month old who had outgrown her need for additional oxygen, who was a growing and healthy infant. But at that visit, although she was a warm and snuggly little armful, she was still sleeping most of the time, still an unknown entity.

The little one I just met is a happy and contented baby, responsive to play, to laughter, to the things she already recognizes as “good:” her bottle, her pacifier, a favorite toy, her parents’ faces. She sings, long drawn out noises that are more than just baby words. She is already expressing joy, finding her voice.

Little Riley is just beginning her journey, but in the space of a few short months she has grown in size and being. She’s becoming a person. She’ll make a unique contribution to the family dynamic. I’m excited to see her again in a few weeks to learn how she’s changed. Last week, she was on the brink of crawling, she was teething. She’ll be more mobile at Christmas, I’m sure, and maybe there’ll be a tooth or two showing in her smile. I’m honored and humbled, once again, to watch the miracle of a young life, growing and absorbing the world she has entered. It will be a journey for both of us. I think I’ll like being “Gram” after all. After all, watching her is reward enough for taking on the title of grandmother.

How does this help?

/ Sheila / 2 Comments

Several years ago I had a moment of ephipany. I was having a difference of opinion with someone and suddenly realized that what I was saying wasn’t helping us come to clarity or resolve the disagreement. I realized that my approach was not helping my cause. And suddenly the thought came to my mind, “How does this help?” If I had a goal, an outcome in mind that I wanted to reach, and my approach wasn’t bringing me to that outcome, how was it helping? It wasn’t.

That began a practice for me to filter my words and actions through that question. When I find myself in conflict with anyone and we don’t seem to be progressing toward resolution, I silently frame that question to myself. It helps me to step back, hear my words or see my actions through the other person’s ears and eyes. Obviously, if my persuavie argument isn’t working, it must not be so persuasive. How does that help?

I don’t mean that this approach should be from a manipulative perspective. If manipulation is the motivation, you may get what you want, but manipulation is always ultimately destructive and self-serving. No, this question should be framed from an unselfish and honest desire to seek the best resolution to conflict or difference of opinion. Only in that context can you truly seek the best for both sides.

Asking the question, “How does this help?” doesn’t guarantee that the problem will be resolved. Some conflicts don’t have resolutions that are positive for both sides. And no matter your approach, the other person may not be willing to put aside the conflict. But asking the question will help you honestly evaluate your words, your methods, your motivation. Asking the question is a filter that will help you seek other solutions, other persuasions, or perhaps, ultimately, change your own mind, see the other person’s point of view. And that can be an invaluable gift to both people.

It can be difficult to be honest about this, especially when your point of view seems like the only point of view possible. How can you step back, re-frame, look at a question from another perspective when you know you’re right? But that’s the point…the issue is not about being right or being more persuasive. When you’re trying to find resolution to differences, sometimes the solution is more about approach, method, and understanding. Sometimes it is about compassion, about empathy, rather than staking a claim to being right.

Sometimes I even come around to an opposite opinion from where I began if I have long enough to think before I rush to judgment. There are right and wrong absolutes in life. I believe that. There are some things that are never right, always wrong. But woven among the absolutes of life are many gray areas, and I recognize that more as I get older. When I was young, life was easy to define in absolute terms. But age, some wisdom, my own mistakes and missteps, and a lot of grace has taught me that things are not always what they seem at first glance. It was a long lesson to learn, but now it is ingrained in my thinking. It has become more natural to me to ask the question, and I am open to hearing the answer that comes from that honesty.

Try asking yourself, “how does this help?” The answer may surprise you.

Shared space and intimacy

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Rob is coming home tomorrow. He’s been in Anchorage for the past few weeks for a combination of work and training. We’ve rarely been apart this long, and I’m ready to have him be a physical presence in my life again, not just a voice on the phone or a text message or email.

I’ve spent too many evenings and weekends home alone in recent months. When I’m home alone, dinner is usually a bowl of cereal or the time honored grilled cheese. Sometimes I get adventurous and pick up something from the deli when I’m at the grocery store. As much as I love to cook, I am completely disinterested in cooking for myself. But cooking dinner for the two of us…there’s enjoyment in that. This week I’ve thought about what we’ll have for dinner tomorrow night; over the weekend. We love fruit and cheese, shrimp cocktail, grilled salmon, roasted squash, caprese salad…I make my list for the grocery, remember to list the hot Thai peppers that Rob loves, tomato juice, egg beaters for his omelettes, the special cheese we both like. Usually we shop together and that’s a shared pleasure, but he has a long flight tomorrow so I’ll have at least the makings of dinner on hand so we don’t have that chore to do right away.

When he’s out of town, the dogs and I take over his favorite chair and I even sleep in a different room. Our king size bed is too big for me by myself, too empty. I move downstairs to the bedroom on the main floor and feel less alone at night in the smaller space. The dogs try to go upstairs to bed; I have to call them down to the room on the main floor. They’re confused by the change: why would I sleep in a different place?

I’ve thought a lot about shared space and intimacy in recent months. Two people can share a space and have little intimacy; or, every detail can suggest intimacy between the two. When Rob is home we have a familiar routine: we’re up early, and on weekdays, he has usually tuned in the market by the opening bell at 5:30. We begin the day with something warm, and then a couple of hours later have a leisurely breakfast. We sit in front of the windows in the sun room and watch the morning activity on the water, the fog lifting, the first jets of the day coming in to land at the airport across the Tongass Narrows.

We talk, discuss, share. Some days are about errands, some are slow and lazy. Some days we work out at the local rec center, sometimes go for a drive or walk down to one of the local beaches. Always there’s the question of what to do for dinner. We don’t cook together…we cook in sync. I put seasonings on meat or fish; he grills. I steam crab legs, he cracks the shells and takes the meat out for both of us. He chooses music to go with dinner, lights a candle for the table, I put the finishing touches on the meal.  Movie after dinner? Or sometimes he watches a foodie show with me.

There is a rhythm to our life that comes from long knowledge of each other. I know his pace and he knows mine. After 29 years together, does that make us dull, or intimate? I know what I think. It’s a sweet and comforting knowledge of this person who has been my partner through thick and thin, through good and bad, through all the cliches and the moments of magic. I’m looking foward to moving back upstairs tomorrow night, to having a dinner companion again, a movie buddy, my friend, my husband. I’m looking forward to sharing my space again.

My affair with Williams-Sonoma

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Christmas Panettone

It began as a long distance romance…I can’t recall when I first encountered a Williams-Sonoma catalog, but it was at least in the early 90s…long before I ever went into a  Williams-Sonoma store or before there was a website.

In the early days of my infatuation, the catalogs were smaller and not as elaborate as the current style. As I recall, they were about half the size of the magazine format that the catalog sports now. But even then, each edition was a passport to wonderful culinary products. Understand, I didn’t experience the pleasure of shopping in unique kitchen stores until I was a young adult. There simply was no such establishment in the region where I grew up.

Granted, no matter where one grew up, retail shopping has come a long way. The internet has added opportunities for buying that were unimaginable only a few years ago. When I lived in the Alaskan Arctic, I regularly ordered items from Williams-Sonoma, and they arrived like clockwork, even at the top of the world. Most of my actual purchasing is done online, unless I’m lucky enough to be in the vicinity of a retail store…something that doesn’t happen often enough these days. I got spoiled to the ease of going to their retail locations when we lived in the foothills above Denver. There were multiple Williams-Sonoma stores in the city, and it was always fun to visit at the beginning of a new season to check out the most recent cookware, gadgets, and receipes being showcased.

But I have to say, even though there are benefits to visiting the stores in person, I get more actual enjoyment from a leisurely reading through the catalog. (Maybe this is where some would think I need a life?) But honestly, if you love to cook, how could you resist these pages with the most beautiful cookware, dishes and linens? And for gadget lovers, there are always new and unique items to catch your eye and fancy. What will they think of next? The photography is delicious, there are recipes scattered throughout the pages, lovely staging options for tablescapes (for all my elaborate entertaining) and in some editions, pages and pages of the most delectable foods to order, either for gift giving or for your own use.

I have never had a bad experience with this company. The food items I’ve ordered have been received with rave reviews. I can personally attest to the yumminess of the Panettone,  but most of the food I have ordered has been given as gifts. Their customer service is great and the quality of products as well as food is amazing.

However, back to browsing…if you don’t receive this catalog, go to their website or give them a ring and request it. It’s a wonderful way to find some inspiration for your next family food event or to challenge yourself to try some new culinary adventure. I highly recommend curling up with the latest catalog in the evening, cup of comforting hot tea at your side, and drooling a bit over the pages that make kitchen work seem exciting, even glamorous. Before you know it you’ll be making your wish list and dreaming of new culinary achievements, spurred on by the inspiratrion of beautiful images, lovely products, and enticing recipes.

I’m happy to say that I’ve passed my passion for all things culinary on to my daughter. She had a better outfitted kitchen right out of college than I did until I was thirty. And most importantly, she cooks. (So does my son, but his techniques are a little less traditional, more minimalist. No Williams-Sonoma wish lists for him!)

By the way, you can access a plethora of Williams-Sonoma reciepes on their website and save them to your digital receipe box. The ones I’ve tried have been keepers.

You can link to their site on my blog home page, or here: http://www.williams-sonoma.com/

I LOVE technology!

/ Sheila / 2 Comments

Now don’t get me wrong…I don’t understand technology…or at least, I only understand a very little bit, around the edges. But I appreciate it so much!

I live in Ketchikan, Alaska, currently, and before moving here I spent two years above the Arctic Circle, in the small town of Kotzebue. My husband and I moved there for what I call our “empty nest” adventure. Well, four years later, the Alaska experience continues. And every day, I’m reminded of how big a role technology plays in my life.

AT&T, the company my cell service is with, had a tower down in this region over the weekend. I kept staring at my iPhone Friday night and Saturday, which was registering “no service” instead of the normal component of full bars. I don’t have long distance service on the land line in the house, so I was literally cut off from family…but oh, wait, I still had internet access, so I was able to email and send messages via facebook that my line was temporarily down…just so no one would think I had fallen off the face of the earth when I was telephonically silent for 24 hours. Rob is out of town, so he wasn’t here to talk to either. Fortunately my service was restored late on Saturday, so I was once again able to be in touch with the world by cell.

Then there is my recent venture into the world of blogging. I decided that I wanted to give this a try, but knew nothing about how to start a blog. I went online and found a couple of books on Amazon that sounded like just what I needed. I ordered, read, launched my site, and voila! I’m a blogger…not a very experienced one, but I’m learning. And a fascinating world it is. You can do the whole thing for free, if you want, and all the really hard work, the coding, is done for you, behind the scenes. Of course, I’m sure if I want to develop a more sophisticated blog or even a web site, I’ll need to learn a lot more. But the current technology makes it possible even for people like me, who don’t know html code from Morse code, to get started.

And I haven’t even begun to sing the praises of the internet in general. I get most of my news online…the benefit being that if a story looks interesting, I can read all I want. Or if the headline looks scary, I don’t have to click on the link. I love controlling what comes to me. And ebooks…who knew it could be enjoyable to read a book online?! I thought I needed the actual book experience, but while I can still appreciate a beautifully illustrated and bound book, I’ve had no difficulty adjusting to reading books online. Yay for Kindle!

And the online services! Let me just say here and now that if you are not taking advantage of online retail ordering, banking, all sorts of accounts management, and social networking, you are missing the biggest time saver and convenience in modern life…better, in my opinion, than microwaves and sliced bread.

So, although I don’t know how it all works, I love that it does. And that brings me back to Alaska. This is a remote state, much of it inaccessible by road. There are many communities that you can only reach by ferry or plane. Alaska is short on roads. But with internet access, cable, cell phones and jet planes, there is little that you can’t get, even in the bush communities. (Well, you can’t get much restaurant variety or a mall experience, but you can order online and at least connect with the outside world.) Talking with long term residents who have spent a lifetime in this state, hearing their stories, I can only imagine what it was like to live here when the main connection was through snail mail or expensive phone calls.

So here’s a thank you to all the brilliant minds who have invented the things I now consider life necessities. My husband says I have a relationship with my phone, and its true…its a lifeline that I would be lost without. But judging from the number of people I see walking around with phones in hand, I’m not alone…I have a lot of company.