Service

October 31, 2012 / Sheila / 11 Comments

You want happiness, we all do. And there’s only one rule for happiness in this world, Sue, and that’s service. Just to the degree that they serve, people are happy, and no more. It’s an infallible test. You can try nations by it, you can try kings and beggars. Poor people are just as unhappy as rich people, when they’re idle; and rich people are really happy only when they’re serving somebody or something.

Norris, Kathleen. Saturday’s Child Artemis Publishing. Kindle Edition.

I found this little quote in a quaint old book…a lot of things contribute to my happiness, and I would put faith and family at the top of my list. I separate those two from the concept of service. But maybe that’s not accurate either, for what does faith and family call us to, if not service? Maybe the best things in life are simply disguises for opportunities that allow us to serve. We serve from various motives…family love, or faith that moves mountains, or belief in a cause, or ambition to achieve. But doesn’t the work we do distill to service?

I’ve equated the terms service and work. But they’re not really equivalent. I suppose you could serve without working, and work without truly serving. Maybe the difference in the two is the sense of purpose that lies behind service. Work is just work. But service is work defined by deliberate intention.

I think I’ve worked enough in my life. I’m going to look through a different lens, think about how I’m able to serve as I move through my days. That’s not intended to make me sound saintly, just purposeful. Maybe what I adjust is not specific action or work. Maybe I adjust my vision to see what I can contribute, and what I am contributing. Maybe I just need to reframe to see clearly.

I am learning

October 29, 2012 / Sheila / 11 Comments

I am learning to accept the feeling of unease that frequently settles in the pit of my stomach. I am learning to live with uncertainty, with fears, with doubt. I am learning this because in the last few years I’ve experienced:

~ living far, far from family

~ my son’s deployment to Iraq

~ my daughter’s miscarriage of her first pregnancy

~ my father’s battle, and loss, to cancer

~ the death of my grandmother

~ family torn by divorce

~ stress, stress, more stress

~ distress in my marriage

~ uncertainty about work and income

~ a house for sell that didn’t sell

~ the struggles of my adult children with jobs and life decisions

and life continues. This is my list since 2006. I’ve counted other losses and difficulties before. These are the major markers since we moved to Alaska.

And what do I say? What do I do? What can I do? I pray. I feed myself the sustaining, nurturing words of wisdom that encourage me when I need the spark of hope. I believe in belief. I believe that above all, there is goodness in the world, there is joy in the morning, there is comfort for the downcast. I count the ways I’m fortunate, and the joys that fill my life even when I’m anxious.

I tell myself that life works out. It will be all right, whatever “it” may be. Have faith. But sometimes, I falter a bit. What if it doesn’t work out? I see others whose stories don’t end well, whose lives have not worked out according to plan. What if I, or those I love, have the same experience? What if?

I face the fear, feel the physical sensation in my stomach. We’re old friends now, this sensation and me. I recognize it for what it is. It feels good to be stronger than this feeling. This isn’t a sign of bravery. It is a victory of strength, strength I didn’t know I had, strength I am growing day by day. It comes from recognition. I can only do so much, I can only do what I can do. I, who avoid conflict, am learning to confront.

Back to first principles. Do your best. Do your part. Don’t give up. Appreciate what you have. Share when you can. Believe.

Last weekend I found a site that expresses this eloquently. If you are looking for encouragement and a call to be thankful, grateful, joyful, this may speak to you.

A Holy Experience

I am learning to rest, to have peace, to keep my joy…I didn’t have to acquire it, I came here with joy ingrained in my being. But I’ve struggled to hold it, through some of life’s question marks. And even as I write this, I know that I’ll have to do this again tomorrow, and the next day, and next.

Saturday night, hearing the tsunami warning sirens, racing to throw a few things in the car before evacuating, some of these thoughts were flashing through my mind. I thought of family, plans, dreams, impacted by unseen force of earthquake. How do you plan for earthquake? For tsunami? The answer is, you really don’t. You can do so little. But you do what you can. You evacuate when you’re told to. You follow instructions. You hope, you pray. You thank God for the people, the good things, filling your life. And when the rush of the moment is over and you realize there’s no life threatening emergency after all, you promise yourself you’ll remember that flash of insight. I have so much.

I am blessed. I am grateful. And I am learning.

These I like

October 28, 2012October 28, 2012 / Sheila / 8 Comments

These are a few random quotes that caught my eye for their cleverness, humor, or absolute clarity of thought ~

I don’t know why “wanty” sounds better than “needy,” but it does!

: Ahh, my southern roots!

Never a dull moment!

October 28, 2012October 28, 2012 / Sheila / 17 Comments

Tonight we experienced our first tsunami evacuation. A 7.7 earthquake hit this evening off the coast of British Columbia, and a tsunami warning was quickly issued for SE Alaska.

Rob is on call in Metlakatla this weekend, and he was at the clinic seeing a patient when the quake hit. I was at the apartment we use when he works here, and was completely absorbed in my blog world, reading authors I follow, posting comments, in my own little fog. The apartment was quiet, until I noticed the lamp on the table beside me vibrating. At first I thought someone was running a washing machine in the apartment above. Then I realized nothing was running, but the lamp was definitely moving. Not a good sign. I actually got up and opened the front door, but didn’t see swaying utility poles or anything that looked out of the ordinary. So I went back to my laptop.

My phone rang and Rob was on the line, asking me if I felt the quake, saying we were being evacuated. I drove to the clinic to pick him up, he loaded the back of the car with some medical supplies, and we drove to the high point on the island, probably less than a couple of miles away. A long line of cars was already headed that way, and we quickly moved to the area where the medical and EMS personnel were gathered. Sitting there, then getting out of the car, talking with some of the others who were gathered, waiting, it was a little like an impromptu neighborhood party. Someone passed around bottled water, a kid came around with coffee. There was lots of conversation about other earthquake experiences, other natural disasters. If I had thought to bring food to snack on we could have had a tailgate party.

Listening to the radio from Ketchikan, we learned that a very small wave…just a few inches…had hit another island in the region. I’m not sure if any noticeable wave ever hit Metlakatla or Ketchikan. All I know is we waited about two hours for official word to come so we could be released to go home and eat the dinner I had left in the oven.

In the end, we were released, but I came back to the apartment by myself. Rob went back to the clinic to take care of a patient who had experienced some kind of event during the evacuation. Now I sit watching the updates on the tsunami heading toward Hawaii, with occasional updates on hurricane Sandy moving toward the East Coast. You never know, do you, what’s coming your way?

The last time we were here for the weekend, there was a murder, the first murder in this community in 20 years I was told. I think we’ll wait a while before we make a return visit. These little towns…too intense for me!

Riley Girl

October 13, 2012October 13, 2012 / Sheila / 10 Comments

Riley, Princess and Explorer

This girl has snuggled in deep in my heart. Love this Little!

How lucky am I to be her “Gram!”

Independence

October 10, 2012 / Sheila / 12 Comments

Last week I heard Riley, two-year old explorer and budding princess, say quite clearly over the phone, “I did it! All by myself!”

A lot of the good things in life are built through cooperation. Working together, sharing, joining hands and hearts to create something big, something meaningful, is a joyful experience. It is good to be part of a team, and a team effort.

But if there is strength in numbers, there is also satisfaction in self-reliance. And though, as was famously noted in our national political discussion recently, no one succeeds without help, still, a lot of success can be ascribed to individual effort.

Even two-year old princesses understand that, and celebrate it, with their cry of recognition: “I did it, all by myself!”

Our son is learning this in a new way. He is establishing himself, all by himself, without ready-made structure in place around him. He’s moved back to Colorado, to the home of his heart, and he’s creating a home that will nurture his heart.

We watch from afar. We talk, but he’s doing the work. We mentor and advise, but he’s doing the heavy lifting.

When he left home, it was to join the army, and surely, there is no more structured environment for a 19-year-old to land in. Now he’s out of the army and navigating without a team around him. He’s job hunting, apartment hunting, life hunting. He has some big decisions to make. Will he, or won’t he, after resisting for six years since high school, choose college and more education? Will he find himself working in whatever job he can land with his skills and experience and be content, or will he choose something that is out of reach at the moment, that he will have to work to attain?

I don’t know, and I’m not sure he does either, at this very moment. He thinks he’s been independent since he joined the army, right out of high school, and to some degree, that’s true. But I see him gaining a whole new footing in the world of adult responsibility. I see him learning, doing, saying, “I did it, all by myself!”

It is good to be 25, and independent! I’m proud of him for doing something I never did…for jumping out there and going for it. He’s not always successful, and we don’t always agree with his decisions. But he owns them, and he stands by them.

My husband says “He’s becoming a man.” It’s an anxious time for me. For all my sunny nature and positive outlook, when it comes to my kids, I’m a first-class worrier. I try to see ahead and around corners and think with them, sometimes for them. But I know, in my heart of hearts, that’s not the right approach. I squelch my anxiety and wait for news of this interview, or that application. No 25-year-old needs a nervous mom hovering in the background. I am not picking him up from kindergarten. This is not his first date.

I thought I already did this. I thought I let go years ago. Funny how you find pockets of emotion as you watch your kids move through different phases of life, through experience. This new bid for independence is exciting for Alex. It makes me nervous. He’s pumped, I’m scared.

But like the earlier moments of letting go, I’ll manage this too. First, because I am physically removed, literally many states and two time zones away, and I don’t have a lot of option. Second, because it is the right thing to do. Though I wish I could provide a safety net for him, the truth is, beyond a certain point, no parent can really protect. The next generation has to find their own way, make their own decisions and mistakes, and celebrate their triumphs.

I’m just waiting to hear, on the other end of the line, “I did it, all by myself!”

July? No, October!

October 9, 2012 / Sheila / 7 Comments

I can’t help myself. I have to say something about the weather in SE Alaska. The first full week of October, statistically the rainiest month of the year, has been beautiful! And we still have a few days of sunny icons on the weather map before the rain comes back. I thought we had missed summer this year. But it turns out, we’ve been here for a nice piece of it. I know it’s only a matter of time, and likely, the end of this month will make up for the beginning. But when you live in a rainforest, you have to appreciate any week that has more than a day or two of sunshine. And when that week comes in October…well, that sunshine is all the sweeter for being unexpected. Happy fall, y’all!

Strategy

October 8, 2012 / Sheila / 10 Comments

I’ve written a strategic plan for a local clinic. I never did that before. I’ve written a lot of things, but this was a first.

Well, Alaska gives you opportunity. A lot of it comes from showing up. You know, being available and actually in the state. Some jobs you can get because you’re here. That’s how I fell into this one. Well, there was a little more to it than that, but being present definitely helped.

Anyway, the experience made me think about my own strategic plan. Or rather the lack of one. I’ve had goals, dreams, hopes. But I never created a strategic plan for myself. Maybe that’s why I find myself running in circles, consumed by commitments that aren’t really taking me anywhere…keeping me afloat financially, filling my time…but not going in a definite direction.

I weave in and out of this mindset, staying busy with life, needs, family, other. Often, for weeks at a time, I push introspection aside. I’m not one to drown in my own thoughts. And then, smack! There it is again…the “what am I doing?” conversation runs circles in my head. This is not about unhappiness. It is about uncertainty. I’m uncertain, and have been for a long time, about the path we’re on. I’ve spent a lot of time, the past couple of years, thinking about the “next.” But I still haven’t found the answer. I struggle with that. Shouldn’t I just know what’s right, what’s best? I’m waiting for some instinct to kick in, but it hasn’t yet. I don’t think it’s going to, and maybe I’ve waited long enough for inspiration to hit. I’m not inspired. But I am a writer. It feels good to claim that for myself. To add that to the list of who I am. It comes a bit more naturally, these days, when my income is largely tied to that effort.

Strategy is important for an organization. And people too.

Well, well. I’ll have to think about that one. And maybe write a plan for myself.

“Life has no remote…get up and change it yourself.”

Reset

October 3, 2012 / Sheila / 16 Comments

October, and life rolls on. Work, love, loss.

Relationships shift. Two in our family are experiencing divorce. Cross country moves, disrupted lives, sadness, renewed hope…so much change.

Through it all, we talk. We listen. We advise. We hope. We get up and do it all over again.

I feel humbled by life. The older I get, the more I think no one has it figured out. No one can fully understand or appreciate another person’s perspective, or choices. The best we can do is to be honest with ourselves, and be kind to others in the process.

Well, maybe that’s enough. Be honest, be kind. Come back to first principles. Appreciate the simple things, the sweet things. Trust that life will work out. Look for the good.