Life skills

Movies as life

/ Sheila / 2 Comments

Since their invention, movies have had a special place in viewers’ hearts. As with books, there are movies genres to fit all tastes and moods. I usually pick chick flicks (no surprise there) or comedies, but now and then there’s a bit of human drama that is portrayed so beautifully, so compellingly, that I actually have to purchase the movie to watch again.

Such a treat is “The King’s Speech.” I saw it recently, and was completely charmed and touched by the story of a man who was burdened with both a royal role and a speech impediment. Bad enough to have one or the other, but both? Colin Firth very convincingly portrayed this reality, the story of King George VI, who came to the throne as King of England and the British empire during the late 1930s, following his brother’s abdication. The movie focuses on the weight of the responsibility the king feels as war with Germany looms and he is tasked with leadership of his country. Compounding the weight of the job is the stammering impediment he struggles against. Impossible to hide speech difficulties in the new era of radio.

Colin Firth’s ability to imitate the speech patterns of someone who stutters was Oscar-worthy, as was the story itself. You feel the pain of the poor little rich boy as the king recounts in a scene with his speech therapist that he was mistreated as a child by a nanny who withheld food from him, and that it took his parents three years to notice. In another scene, he says he is part of a firm, not a family.

The life-long impact of damage done in formative years is clearly seen, as is the reality that wealth and status don’t insulate anyone from hurt. We are quick to recognize the shortcomings of adults, but how often do we have the opportunity to understand the components that shape the people around us? As illustrated in the movie, even other family members may not realize the emotional battle of a son, brother, daughter, sister. Relationship does not equal insight.

But ultimately, the movie is about overcoming: overcoming circumstances, overcoming personal challenges, overcoming the negative influence of others. The king had one person in his life who was his champion (at least as portrayed in the movie; I can’t vouch for the historical accuracy here). His wife was his cheerleader, his defender, his partner, and she accepted him as he was, but she also sought to help him face the difficulties of his life. Some people are fortunate enough to have such a partner. The really fortunate ones even recognize it.

There are times when each of us needs, and when we can give. And maybe the role changes in relation to the people around us at a given moment. Watching this story, set long ago against the dramatic backdrop of a developing WWII, I realize that regardless of the big picture, there may be a personal triumph or tragedy unfolding. I can’t be a champion for everyone in my life. But there are those I can touch. And the real work begins with seeing.

Who is part of your life that needs your insight, your compassion? When you really think about it, the answers may surprise you. I’m sure that few people would have seen a needy and insecure person in the king of England. But there he was, hiding behind the formality and protocol of the office. Sometimes the ones we least suspect of need are the very people with the greatest deficit.

Look. See. Love. Repeat.

Checked out: thanks, Dr. A!

/ Sheila / 2 Comments

This week I was so good…had my annual well-woman exam, a mammogram, and made an appointment to have my lipids checked. I work in the administrative department of the local hospital and there’s an OB/Gyn clinic literally down the hall from me. (Thank God I only need the Gyn services of the clinic…I’d have to kill myself if I needed the OB side! But I digress.) In anticipation of leaving this job when the house sells, I thought I should take care of some of these pesky things while it’s still an easy and relatively painless process. The mammography clinic is downstairs, as is the lab, so the excuse of having to leave work to get to these appointments doesn’t apply. Nice that it’s so convenient.

When I saw the doctor for my appointment, she went through all the routine questions, and since this was my first visit with her, asked the date of my last exam. I had to admit it was five years ago, shortly before we left Colorado. I know, I know…but I feel fine, and it’s incredible how quickly the years can slip by. And I’ve meant to get it done; I’m sure that counts for something. So now, I’m back on the straight and narrow. She made me feel a little better about my negligence. Told me it has been eight years since her last exam, so right away, I was reassured. I’m not the only woman in America who let this little life chore slip. And I was happy to report to her that I actually take supplements…flax seed oil, and the occasional Vitamin D, and now and then a calcium. Of course, I didn’t volunteer the frequency of my habit.  Still, I must be doing something right. I have all the parts I came with, except wisdom teeth, but that’s a different professional visit anyway.

After the exam, my doctor announced, in confident tones, that I would live forever, providing I schedule a mammogram immediately, and continue to follow my excellent program of diet and exercise. I do so go to the gym! No, I came clean with her. She gently encouraged me to get into a more regular exercise routine. Three times a year is simply not enough at my age.  Any day now I may wake up and have major issues. So far my knees are doing fine, thank you, and I have energy to burn. But the big M is just around the corner, and I have to be vigilant about my health. No more taking it for granted. Next time I see her the questions won’t be about my choice of birth control, we’ll be talking about the latest style in hormone patches and whether I’m experiencing my own personal summer.

I promptly scheduled the mammogram, was able to get that pleasure out of the way the same day, thanks to my ability to be worked in at a moment’s notice. The trip downstairs was just enough time to soothe myself, saying repetitively, “It won’t be too bad. How bad can it be? And besides, the waiting room is so well decorated!” Made me feel right at home, me being a woman, and as everyone knows, women appreciate the small decorative touches that take your mind off clamps pressing you quite mercilessly. The gown they gave me to wear during the exam had been thoughtfully warmed. The techs were extremely polite and pleased to note that, in fact, I had been a bit more responsible with my mammogram exams, having the last one only three years ago. I almost got a star on my chart. But not quite. However, the scolding was more in the form of encouragement to never again let more than a year and a day pass between these  tests. I’m at that age, you know. And really, they meant well.

After so much confrontation in the same day with my approaching infirmity, I couldn’t decide if I should celebrate the fact that I’m this old and doing as well as I am; or if I should go out with a bang and do something really meaningful to mark the end of life as I’ve known it. I’m going south (the Alaskan phrase for going down to the Lower 48) next week and have made a pact with myself to eat whatever I want for the whole week. I certainly won’t be exercising, and I’ll probably be living dangerously in other ways…staying up late, shopping extravagantly. Hope I can take all the excitement!

So if I can remember to skip breakfast on Monday (that fasting requirement) to have a blood draw to check my cholesterol levels, I’ll be set for a while. Of course, I still have to get the results of the tests I just had…but I’m going with the assessment that I’ll live forever…or anyway, long enough to wear out some essential part of myself…maybe a tummy tuck or brow lift will be life saving procedures I’ll need before long…have to stay on top of this stuff, you know.

Now if only my cream habit doesn’t show up in my blood work!

Friday funny (but true)

/ Sheila / 2 Comments

This is for all the wonderful women out there, and for one in particular: an amazing woman I know and love, who is rising to the challenge:

“Women are angels.

And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly…on a broomstick.

We’re flexible like that.”

Sometimes you have to use your broomstick…but you keep on flying, whatever life hands you!

Really? Seriously?

/ Sheila / 1 Comment

Ok, I know this is judgmental. I can’t help myself here. I saw a commercial for a new series, I think it’s called “Extreme Couponing” or something like that. From the preview scenes, the premise seems to be that some people (women) spend hours and hours clipping coupons, then are able to buy many hundreds of dollars worth of groceries for practically nothing. Now, I don’t know what these people eat. But when I see coupons, it seems like most of them are for items that I don’t eat, don’t need, don’t like, or can’t use. Or, you have to buy three things to get one free, or stand on your head and hold your mouth just so to get the discount….I don’t know….is it just me? Am I a coupon snob? I don’t feel like a snob. I’ve clipped, torn, folded, saved and forgotten many a coupon in my time. For years we subscribed to a daily paper, and the Sunday edition, with it’s booklet of coupons, was always a part of my Sunday afternoon routine. But alas, coupon management is not my strong suit. I’ve been known to carefully store coupons with exciting discounts (the few really great coupons I’ve ever found) until just after they expire….that’s when I find the ones I clipped with such anticipation, snuggled deep inside my purse…just as they become worthless little bits of paper.

I finally gave it up. To me, the whole thing is just a tease. I think I’m going to save money, but somehow it doesn’t work out that way. And here’s another thing I’ve learned. It may seem counter-intuitive, or even sacreligious. But I find that it’s better for me to buy everything for household staples – laundry detergent, toilet paper, cleaning supplies – at the grocery. It costs more to buy these things there, but if I go to one of the big box stores – WalMart or Target, or a Sams or Costco – I always spend more on items that weren’t even on my list. Yes, impulse buying. So I’ve learned, over time, that it’s better to spend a little more at the grocery, and avoid the other stores as much as possible. Not that I have anything against any of these businesses….it’s just simple economics. Or more accurately, it’s Sheila’s economics. And it probably works at this point in my life because I’m not buying for a family any more. But regardless, it’s my system, and I’m sticking to it. And I do not spend hours getting ready for marathon shopping sprees. Maybe I just don’t know what I’m missing. But I’m coupon free, and loving it!

Response vs reaction

/ Sheila / 4 Comments
A Garden hose.

Here’s a fun and intriguing game: think of two words that begin with the same letter, are similar in meaning, yet have subtle differences. There are many word pairs that work for this exercise. The words I’m using here, response and reaction, fit these requirements perfectly.

Imagine any scenario between two people, or groups of people. The scenario has some element of conflict. Maybe conflict is too strong a word…maybe in the scene there is just a difference of opinion. One person or group speaks or acts, and the other responds. What type of interaction do you see? I see a calm and measured exchange, a respectful and healthy exchange.

Change the word describing the scene to “react” and there is a shift in interpretation. Now the second person or group is not so calm. There is a hint of acting out of instinct, of acting from the gut. In fact, you frequently hear the phrase “gut reaction” to describe a swift and automatic volley of speech or action.

In life, there is a time for both response and reaction. If you are having a discussion, you most likely prefer a response to your statement. If you face an emergency, you react, hopefully swiftly, and probably instinctively.

So in conversations at home or at work, in encounters in line at the grocery or a parent-teacher conference, or more importantly, with a spouse or your child, choose carefully. Does the situation require a response? Or do you need to react? Have you mixed the two scenarios? Reacted when you should have responded? Or maybe, responded when you should have reacted? We can usually determine when we over-react. But it can be just as detrimental to under-react. If my house is on fire, I don’t need a garden hose, I need a fire-engine. So either responding or reacting can be appropriate. And either approach can be wrong.

My life coach and I were discussing this recently, and credit goes  to her for this  word pairing. Challenge yourself to think of other examples. The English language is full of these. Some pairings follow this pattern, and other words begin with the same letter but are opposite in meaning. The helpful part of the game is that when you pair words and consider the differences in meaning, you begin to consider how you display these meanings in your life. It’s an awareness check, and this is a tool.

Intention vs behavior

/ Sheila / 2 Comments

I was watching a TV show recently and someone used the phrase “a call to excellence.”  I can’t remember what the program was about. But the phrase made me think about how striving for excellence differs from being a perfectionist. There’s an important distinction in the two concepts.

If I allow myself to be in perfectionist mode, I am never satisfied with the results of my efforts. I feel like my best is never good enough. Not that anyone else makes that judgment; I make it for myself. I am my own worst critic. But when I have the mindset of reaching for excellence, there is a subtle shift in how I see my efforts. I am able to become my own cheerleader, as though I am standing back and watching an athlete race or attempt a demanding physical feat. I see the aim for the best outcome.

Perfectionism is about critiquing results, finding fault with what was done, or not done. Striving for excellence is about encouraging the reach, the desire to be the best I can. Even the words “strive,” “reach,” “aim,” convey an implicit realization that the goal may not be achieved, the reach may exceed the grasp. But there is also an acknowledgement in those words of trying, putting my best forward.

I know I’m not perfect. But I love the challenge of excelling. Striving for excellence keeps me engaged and encouraged. When I feel the burden of perfectionism creeping into my thoughts, I feel disheartened and defeated.

Now, the next step: I can only judge for myself when I am honestly striving for excellence. Whether I achieve my goal or not, I know if I have truly given my best. But I can’t know that about anyone else. Not another living soul. I can see results from others that may look far short of excellence. But how can I know what another person can achieve at any given time, or in any given situation? This realization brings me full circle. I can only control the results of my own efforts. I can encourage and cheer others on, from my sideline position. But I can’t achieve for anyone else, and I can’t know if anyone else has reached for their own excellence. I have to trust, and then accept.

My life coach says we judge others by their behavior and ourselves by our intentions. And this sums up the challenge for how we treat others. If I can forgive myself when I don’t achieve the excellence I strive for, why can’t I do that for everyone else in my life? Here it is again: grace. This is not being blind to shortcomings, whether in myself or others. Grace allows me to love and accept myself anyway. And to love and accept others anyway.

That is enormously freeing…not that I have been burdened with angst or carrying grudges. And I have been working to free myself of perfectionism for a long time (thank you, Flylady!) But it is helps me put this into words, think it through. The process allows me to be intentional in how I view myself and how I relate to others.

I am reaching for excellence, and living with grace.

Growth

/ Sheila / Leave a comment

As part of re-balancing my life, I have been doing a lot of soul searching. Disclaimer: This blog is not named “Sheila.” Blogging provides a personal record of this journey, but I’m also writing with the thought that my work may prompt someone reading (all five of you!) to do your own soul searching – if you need to. Maybe this is only useful for me. But regardless, the point is not to be endlessly focused on self. The point is to become a better person, a better everything…and that takes thought and work.

Life is a process of growth and evolution. We move through visible and defined changes, from one birthday to the next, from baby steps to running, from being the child to being the parent, the grownup. But once we arrive at the stage of adulthood, other than physical signs of aging, change can become less visible, less measurable.

So how do I know I am growing, maturing? I’ve heard it said that some people grow up, others just grow old.

I can look back and see many differences in myself, spanning the years. I see changes in style of dress, taste in food, decorating, in personal pleasures. There are some constants. I am always going to love chocolate, home-grown tomatoes, ice cold Coke from the can. I will always need music and books. Faith and family are foundational to me.

There are surface changes. I love rich colors now; in my 20s I chose blues and creams as a home color scheme. Nothing wrong with those colors. But now I choose vibrant shades of berry, greens, black. For many years I loved the country theme and found it cozy and soothing to surround myself with that look. But gradually, I have come to appreciate a more traditional and classic style. I still love the country motif…in other people’s homes. But not in mine.

I love traditional Southern foods…fried okra, butter beans (ok, most of you will know them as Lima beans) black-eyed peas, my grandmother’s cornbread. But over the years I’ve added a lot of other favorites to my food list. I am intrigued with herbs, cheeses with names I can’t pronounce, cooking methods that I haven’t tried before, regional specialties that seem exotic and luscious because I didn’t grow up eating them…I have broadened my food horizons.

I can easily recognize external growth. It is harder to catalog the evolution of my thoughts, my personality. Am I just mellowing, as I hear happens as we age? Am I just worn down by life? My husband says we (he and I) are worn “down to the nub”…we’re just two nubs….not sure exactly what a nub is, but it doesn’t sound particularly attractive. But here’s my question…what change comes from my own effort, and what has occurred due to external forces? I’ll be honest to say that I want to believe positive change has been intentional. I’ll let nature and time have credit for the fine lines around my eyes or the gray hair that I very regularly color blonde.

Bottom line, I’m not sure I can sort it all out. But I know I am more giving, less judgmental than I was in my 20s and 30s. You probably remember that time in your own life. In mine, it was a curious combination of insecurity, bluffing my way, trying to put on an adult act; and viewing life in very concrete terms. I thought I knew a lot then. This is hardly unique to me; I know many people have this realization. But the fact that it is a common occurrence does not lessen the profoundness of it to me.

Sometimes change is so incremental, you don’t know it has occurred until you have the “aha” experience, and realize you’ve rounded a bend. Sometimes change is intentional. And sometimes it is thrust upon us…no option to stay with the status quo, the status quo ends; you have to find your new normal. The challenge is to nurture positive momentum, resist negative movement, and gracefully accept the un-sought, unbidden change that is here to stay. You can’t stand still; but you can focus on moving forward, not losing ground.

Where are you on your journey?

Talking: quality vs quantity

/ Sheila / 2 Comments

I come from a long line of talkers. My family is rich with gifted story tellers, passionate ministers and teachers, humorous people who have a way with words, the gift of gab. I am sometimes inspired to say something moving, funny, or wise. But my biggest talent with regard to speech is that I never run out. My husband listens to me talk on the phone with Stephanie or my mom…he is amazed at how long we can sustain a conversation. I tell him it’s a gift.

Of course talk is fun. When I talk to my daughter, my son, to my mom, to a good friend, we cover all the bases: what we made for dinner, how the day went, what the weather is doing, the next family event, what’s going on, large or small. How is Riley? How was work? The topics vary, but the process is effortless. I sometimes joke that I could talk to a post.

I do know how to be silent, and in some settings I am quiet. I don’t feel the need to talk to strangers. But once introduced, my shyness evaporates. And I am friendly…small talk comes easily to me. I can chat about anything.

So part of my coaching/re-training is an attempt to stem the flow of speech. I am supposed to focus on slowing down, on pausing, taking a breath, counting my sentences so that the person I am talking with can get a word in now and then. No, seriously, more often than now and then…the goal is give and take, not a flooding from one person to another. Another task is to seek clarity from the person I am speaking with. I am to ask questions to make sure that I hear what is said, that I am interpreting correctly, rather than focusing on my response. Eventually, the new habits will be more natural, less about counting or monitoring.

I tell my kids they’re doomed, and Riley too…they are destined to be big talkers. But maybe that’s not true. They may have a lot to say, and sometimes they will talk a lot. But they can practice self-awareness, much earlier in their lives than I have done. They can learn to use their words more sparingly, more effectively. I want to be heard, but I want to say something worth hearing too.

Does this mean I’ll become a woman of few words? Probably not few, but fewer. I know that making this change will take time and effort. But I want to prove to myself that I am able to say more with less. And I want to listen.

Facing Future

/ Sheila / 5 Comments

I am 50. If I arbitrarily say that I was an adult at 25…finished with college, married, had a child…looked like a fully functioning adult…and if I optimistically hope that I live a healthy and productive life until I am 75 (achievable in this age of medical advances, and with my gene pool) I am exactly half way through my adult life. I have come a long way. I have a 29 year marriage, I have raised my kids,  lived in a lot of amazing places, experienced a lot of good.

This pivotal year, I am going to have a makeover. But this is not a physical makeover, other than what I do through normal means: diet, exercise, healthy habits. The makeover I am engaged in creating is one of a deeper nature. I am creating new behaviors for myself, in how I speak, in the way I express my desires, in the role I play in my own life.

Last weekend I had a powerful experience. I invited my sister in law, who is a professional life coach, to come and work with me, to evaluate and to help me define the areas of myself that I want to re-create. A disclaimer: this process is not “therapy;” coaching is not for someone who is battling a mental illness or disorder. Coaching is a one-on-one approach that allows the coach to give the client tools for improvement, then model the use of the tools, acting out the new behavior, and helping through accountability to put the new behaviors into sustainable practice.

I talk too much, too fast, I ramble. I have known this for a long time. It has come under a heading in my thinking of “that’s just the way I am.” But it isn’t who I have to be. I am not assertive, I am laid back. This has been a personality trait that I have even felt good about: “I’m low maintenance, easy to get along with.” But the reality is that this can be frustrating to people in my life, and although I have opinions and I express them, I should be more effective in communicating my desires. I need to be more engaged in determining the next steps in life.

I can find legitimate reasons for why I have been slow to act on these realizations. A lot of my adult life has been focused on the needs of the day, raising children, “keeping
milk in the house.” That time has passed, and now is the time to pause, to take stock, to think about who I want to be, who I choose to be, going forward.

For anyone thinking this is a sign of being self-absorbed, who is thinking, “just get over yourself,” I would say that is exactly what I want to do. I want to make changes that will
allow me to be more other-centered, will allow me to be more effective in my relationships, will remove barriers.

By definition, humans are fallible creatures. Everyone knows that. But though we can never be perfect, we can be better. We have the power to act, to change, to improve. I am facing future and I’m looking forward to the journey. What is your journey? I’ll be blogging about the things I am doing. Maybe you will see yourself reflected in some of my revelations. It is empowering to think that at the youthful age of 50, I can step up. It’s going to be a good year.

How to declutter in easy steps

/ Sheila / 1 Comment

Decluttering is easy if you do a few things first:

Move to an island, then decide to move away, and get a moving estimate for crating all of your stuff away. (This only works if you are paying for the move yourself: if your moving costs will be paid by your employer, this will not be effective.)  The packing/shipping estimate will motivate you to be ruthless in cleaning out.

Second, even if you think you have decluttered regularly, take a hard look at things you may be keeping for the wrong reasons…guilt (I can’t get rid of kid memorabilia), sentiment, (grandparent cards, a special dress from 20 years ago), indecision (do I like this or don’t I?)…you get the picture.

I also use one of my husband’s strategies: he goes through a box of books (or whatever) and tries to thin out a small percentage. Later he goes through the same box and tries to thin the contents a bit more. I think he usually does this at least three times, using the theory that it is easier to get rid of a small amount of stuff multiple times, rather than a larger amount all at once. Ok, it works for him. That’s one of the keys to decluttering: you have to find what works for you.

Next, decide what items are worth selling and what should be donated. I’m no garage sale expert, but I’ve heard people say that clothing doesn’t move well in garage sales. If you have appliances, tools, furniture, or other big items to dispose of,  you can probably sell them. The other benefit is that you don’t have to haul large items away if someone comes to buy them from your house. And if you donate clothing, books, etc., be sure that your donations are clean and in a good condition to give away. Don’t unload your trash on local charities.

Don’t try to do this as a marathon event. In my experience, you can only make so many decisions before either a) deciding to keep too much or b) deciding to get rid of too much. To keep your objectivity as you sort, limit the amount of time you spend on this task at one stretch. This means you will need to begin the process well in advance of your moving date. I also find that I need morning energy to tackle my decluttering. Find the time of day that works best for you.

Finally, be ruthless! If you don’t love it, need it, use it, let it go. You may be shocked at how freeing this experience is, and how it helps you to think about stuff. Believe me – I moved to an island, and decided to move away.