Personal philosophy

December reality

/ Sheila / Leave a comment

It has been an expensive week. A bathroom light had to be replaced. A medical bill arrived. A fuel oil bill appeared on my door. (That’s how you know your home heating oil has been topped off…you get a little love note –bill—left on your front door). And this is December…I’m still not done with Christmas gifts or other monthly expenses.

But oh well, what am I complaining about? I see the news stories of how many people are out of work, losing homes, going to soup kitchens, and I know that I’m still among the fortunate, even with unexpected expenses cropping up. At least I have a bathroom, access to medical care, a house to warm. A job that pays for these things…well, Rob pays for some of it, of course…but the point is the same, no matter whose pocket the money comes from. We have it to spend. We are fortunate indeed. And if I really get creative, I can spin it that the money I am spending, even on things like bathroom lights, is helping someone pay their bills and keep going. I like helping the economy, I really do!

Of all times of the year, this is the easiest time for me to be grateful. I know that none of the gifts I am giving are essential. They are all extras, things that are fun or even useful. But not essential. And I would guess that most gifts that people give are in the same category. This is not about making anyone feel guilty, it is about recognizing that even when things aren’t perfect, they are still pretty good if you are warm, fed, and have enough excess to give those non-essential gifts. Why is it so difficult to keep this perspective? Maybe I am speaking for myself…but I don’t think so. Complaining is a way for all of us to vent, to let off steam. The image of the perfect life is out there, in myth and movies. We’ve seen it in our imaginations, and we work hard…don’t we deserve it? And why did my light have to be replaced anyway? I don’t know why life hands us these little irritations. Maybe it is to keep the big picture in perspective…and we know it already. We just don’t stay focused on the positives as much as the negatives. It is just human nature.

So I’m re-channeling my thoughts. My December is not going to be shadowed by the things that went wrong. It will be a celebration of the things that are good, gifts to us all. And when I flip my bathroom light switch, I’ll be grateful that it is working again, thankful for the repairman who replaced it, thankful for the job that allowed me to pay him, thankful for that minor irritation that reminds me how much I truly have.

Cheerful vs happy

/ Sheila / 2 Comments

“I’m not happy. I’m cheerful. There’s a difference. A happy woman has no cares at all. A cheerful woman has cares but has learned how to deal with them.”  Beverly Sills, American opera singer.

I saw this quote recently and was immediately charmed. By this definition of happiness, could anyone really claim that state? Is there really anyone who has no cares at all? Not in my experience. But I know many people who regularly demonstrate grace under fire, grace under pressure, grace in the face of real life struggles. To some degree, life is all about perspective. If things are generally good, even a small disappointment can take on greater significance. A flat tire or lost cell phone can feel like a small tragedy. I have to acknowledge that most of my life has been blessed with health, children, friends, relationships, love…the kind of life that is easy to take for granted because it is stable.

I am increasingly aware that no life is simple, that even the people around us who look whole and happy have their cares, their own quiet battles. No one escapes some form of life challenge. Sometimes the issues are of our own making, sometimes not. Sometimes the stress is personal, sometimes it is from the heartache of watching a family member or friend struggle, and only being able to stand by and watch.

So what is the answer? Even in times of stress and heartache, life  goes on. How is that possible? It’s difficult to rise above grief, above loss, above pain. But the attempt to be cheerful is important. Is this just the “fake it till you make it” attitude? I think this is different. I think the message from this quote is that we acknowledge our troubles, we confront them, we choose life. We continue to embrace life. We look for the good to offset the bad.

I’ve sometimes been accused of being the proverbial ostrich, burying my head in the sand. And anyone who know me knows that I never seek confrontation with others. But I see a subtle difference here. When I have difficulty in my life, my confrontation is less with someone than with the issue itself. What can I do to make a difference? How can I overcome? After all, I can’t change another person, I can only change myself. I can only choose for myself. I can only be cheerful for myself.

I choose cheerfulness. I am not always able to claim happiness. But I can breathe deeply, I can focus on the good in my life, I can enjoy the comforts of the day: now in early December, a warm fire, a cup of hot coffee, twinkling lights, an early Christmas card from a friend. I choose to be a light in the darkness. Doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle with this at times: of course I do. But with the help of faith in the power of God, faith in the power of good, faith in the power of hope, I will be cheerful. I will overcome.

It is a very empowering place to be. I’m liking the view from this vantage point.

Troubled waters

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“We are sometimes taken into troubled waters not to drown, but to be cleansed.” 

I love this…troubled waters, turblent waters…sounds frightening and very negative. Can’t still waters cleanse also? Still waters are calming, soothing, healing. The image of turbulent waters brings to mind pounding surf or stormy seas. Nothing reassuring in that. The natural instinct is to shelter from storms.

As I was thinking of the difference in still and troubled waters, and the value of troubled waters to life, I thought of the agitator in washing machines. Newer models don’t have agitators, but for decades this was a standard part of the machinery. The agitator helped with the cleasnsing process. You could argue that the movement is harsh for delicate fabrics, and the same can be said of lives. Fragile lives, delicate situations, can be damaged by turbulent waters, and the results are not guaranteed. But nothing in life is guaranteed.

Maybe  it is more valuable to come out of the water cleansed rather than wholly intact. Everyone gets a bit frayed around the edges with time, just as well-worn fabrics do. Perhaps the process is essential and worth the time of fear and uncertainty. But you have to come through the waters to know the outcome. I would add, when you’re in troubled waters, look for lifelines to hold to. And have faith in the process.

“How can I love you better?”

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A few weeks ago I came across a simple but intriguing question: “How can I love you better?” Catherine Newman, writing in the October 2010 issue of the magazine Whole Living, describes her experiment with asking that question of her family and the surprising results. She anticipated that their responses would require some difficult sacrifice or change on her part, but found that the reality was much simpler. The requests weren’t big ones after all, and yet simply asking the question had a profound impact on her spouse, her children, and the author.

Isn’t it an unspoken expectation in relationships that you are always trying to love others better? Does asking the question remind those in the family, the marriage, the friendship of that goal? Do relationships deteriorate because people quit trying? Who can consciously try to love the others in their lives better every day?

Maybe that’s where the simple act of asking the question comes into play. None of us is perfect. None of us can love the others in our lives more each day, every day. We have more capacity to love, to give of ourselves, to be unselfish, some days. Less ability other days. But when we ask the question, “How can I love you better?” we remind the people in our lives that we are paying attention, we care, we are noticing our behavior. We are trying. The times we are successful at loving better carries us through the moments when we fail. And isn’t that what relationships are about anyway? We try, sometimes we fail, we forgive each other, we try again. Loving better is a never-ending quest, a reach for perfection that none of us can ever fulfill. But we can ask the question, we can consciously try.

I asked my own children, grown now and living on their on, how I can love them better. My son tells me if I understand more of his interests, I can be a better friend to him. Fair enough, I can do that. My daughter’s first response, which she self-edits even as she speaks it, is that we live closer to her. But at the moment that’s not feasible. So I am waiting for her answer still. But she knows I want to love her better. My husband knows. I like the self-challenge to be more engaged, to be consciously and actively looking for ways to demonstrate what is truly and deeply in my heart: that I want to love them all better, more deeply, with intention and ferocity.

The grace of letting go

/ Sheila / 1 Comment

I love pretty things…nothing unique in that. I have spent a lifetime buying and enjoying things. Let’s just say that Pottery Barn and Crate and Barrel are good friends, among many others! I’m not a collector of anything specific, but I enjoy choosing objects that accent the look and mood of my home.

But now I am in the process of preparing to sell our house, and the task of the initial sorting…what to keep this time, what to dispose of…is becoming a life sort. I am looking at my possessions with new eyes. Is this a function of being fifty? I know I have every expectation of having many years of active and productive life left to me. Yet I find myself thinking of the things I have hauled from state to state through various moves because I couldn’t give them up at the time. And suddenly, a lot of these possessions aren’t so vital any more. I am feeling lighter as I look at objects I could not have parted with in the last move, that today I am ready to release.

Don’t worry…I’ll still have plenty of stuff. But it will be a smaller amount, selected thoughtfully, and with a new standard of what I need in my life.

The grace of letting go…we need that ability for many experiences in life. We begin to let go of parents when we leave home; we let go of children when they leave home (or at least we try to do that); sometimes we have to let go of jobs or relationships as we progress through life. Maybe the easiest release after all is letting go of stuff. Easier than I thought it would be! Or maybe its just time to do it in my life. Everyone has their own schedule for evaluating and re-ordering life. This is such a time for me, and it feels good to be growing lighter.

What does this mean anyway?

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A few years ago, when my son was 21 and we were having difficulties transitioning through some young adult issues, I had an epiphany one day: he needed grace from me, and space to be allowed to work out his issues. And that phrase has continued to have a useful place in my life, as I often feel that I either need these gifts for myself (from others) or I need to extend these gifts. Like most catchy phrases, it’s easy to say, more difficult to do in the grip of the moment, whatever the issue, and whoever the others involved.

So the point of this blog is recognizing that there are many grace notes in life…some come from and through others, some just seem to be gifts that come when needed and bring a smile, comfort, hope…or perhaps understanding. As most people instinctively seek and recognize comfort, recording the things or experiences that bring comfort may seem unnecessary. But I believe that when I consciously mark some positive thing in my life, I increase its power. If it is a personal luxury, I can repeat it when possible. If the source is from someone or something that is a random kindness or event, I can appreciate it more fully by acknowledging and being grateful for the gift I’ve received.

Many things bring a smile to my face: my children, my new grandchild, a good book, a moving quote, a phone call or email from a friend, comfort food, shopping in a favorite store, sunshine…grace is all around us, in many forms. We have to open our eyes to see, and our spirits to receive.